To The FemmeMobile! Away!











{October 13, 2009}   Realizations 2!

So, I was going to write today. Instead I got up, feeling all warm and fuzzy and awesome from A) butch/femme discoveries of last night and B) an awesome conversation I had with DK last night. I went to the gym and spent the whole time thinking/daydreaming about femme and butch and pretty much just glorying in, “Hey! Look! There are other people like me, and I read these things that butches apparently like which is awesome because I think those things are hot but didn’t know they existed in the lesbian community!” and so on. And then I came home and did some more reading on femme/butch, and MY ENTIRE DAY IS GONE.

I want to write a femme/butch story now. WHICH MEANS I WILL. I just have to figure out how to put together the opening, because really it needs to start with that classic-cliched girl-getting-out-of-the-car and the video pans up and someone is playing Mustang Sally. Which means I need to figure out how to translate that over into writing without getting too wordy or losing the correct feeling. But that’s a tangent.

I’ve been reading Sugarbutch as well as Xtra.ca articles by Ivan Coyote, who is butch and writes on life stuff, butch, and femmes. I searched for femme on Xtra.ca as well, and discovered a host of articles, some of which applies to me, some of which don’t. That I’m not a stereotypical femme bothers me not in the least. Really, what a femme is changes depending on who you ask. I don’t care. My definition of it feels right to me, in my head, even though I’m not the pretty-dress-retro femme that is like, the ultimate standard. And I’m good with that. πŸ˜€ I am me, and I feel femme, and it’s all good!

More importantly, it’s given me some insight into DK, which is interesting. See, I can really only extrapolate from my personal experiences, and I’m so far from butch it’s not even funny. So everything with DK has been a learn-as-I-go process, which is sometimes really slow. Take, for instance, compliments. Sexy fits her, and handsome, and attractive, and sometimes gorgeous. Pretty doesn’t usually, though she does have this utterly amazing grin that knocks me head over heels, and the best part is that it’s her normal grin, and I get to see it all the time. It’s like, the Lady Death grin, and it’s gorgeous and sexy all at once, and sometimes slightly wicked.

Excuse me. I need a moment. >.>

RIGHT, THEN.

Anyway, when giving her compliments I can really only extrapolate from what I know. So, for instance, if someone called me ‘handsome’ I would have to kill them. First off, I’m not handsome, and second off, I’m going for pretty and sometimes sexy, and handsome CAN be sexy, but it’s definitely not pretty, damn it. So then I think other women probably feel the same way, and DK’s a woman, ergo… So even though it suits, I never really think to say it. See? It’s like a map with big blotches where it just says, “Here there be dragons,” and the only way for me to muddle through is one very slow microstep at a time.

Now, of course labels can only tell you part of the story, but it at least gives you some idea. Having a label is like looking at the map and going, “Okay, well, I know there are dragons there because this is DK, not just random girl #1, and DK will have her own quirks and things, but according to this map I can at least guess that if I do X her reaction will likely be in the north-east area of things.” Which means — oh my gosh — I HAVE A CLUE. I don’t have to base her off me and then try to add in what I know of her and extrapolate — all of which really makes my head hurt. I can now say, “Hey, she fits quite a few of these patterns, and this pattern here melds with her other ones even though I would never have thought of that and/or I would have assumed it was insulting! So maybe I’ll ask her if she feels this way…” And then I do, and I have more knowledge about something that hadn’t even occurred to me, and it is awesome. Also, since I have a template a lot of things sort of click into place — her reactions and my reactions and even some Talks That You, My Lovely Readers, Do Not Need To Know About.

Also! A lot of the articles on butch and femme (and butch doesn’t really fit DK, quite, just like femme doesn’t quite fit me. I used stud yesterday, and perhaps I’ll use it again because it cracks me up.) are also about growing into yourself and finding a place and your own space and becoming okay with who you are, and I’m totally a sucker for those, so I have been sniffling (in a good way) all day. >.>

Also, I have realized that masculine women are TOTALLY MY KINK. (And DK is the best. :D) Which makes sense. That’s often part of the whole femme identity (though not necessary, as there are femmes who like femmes). And the funny thing is, some part of me always knew I liked masculine women. Hilary Swank in that movie about the woman boxer? So bloody hot. Biker chicks? Hot is not the right word, but attractive is. The muscular women I see (very occasionally) at the gym? Oi.

I also like femme on me because it feels much stronger to me. I think it’s that link with femme fatale; a femme, to me, is sexy and strong and feminine and can even be a tomboy and knows her own abilities and worth and doesn’t take shit, but at the same time she likes to be taken care of and, for lack of a better word, slightly pampered, but we all know she can still do it herself (and take names while kicking ass) and if she finds a knight who is going to do some taking-care-of that is awesome, and she will let them, but she doesn’t need that. It’s a stronger archetype than a damsel, which is always what I sort of supposed I must be, because I do like that take-care-of-me thing, but I don’t really feel the need to be rescued.

Something I am having to watch is a shift in my perceptions to treat masculine women as men, which also isn’t the case (because some of the bloggers are quite masculine, in my mind verging on trans). Things like Sugarbitch’s blog help with that, because she goes from uber masculine to talking about doing yoga and I’m like, “THAT IS SO AWESOME. SHE IS A GIRL. WHO IS MASCULINE. THAT’S HOT.” Which is pretty much how I feel about DK, so woot! (And really, it’s not the masculine vibe so much as the knight-vibe. And also women in wife beater tanks or black leather jackets or men’s shirts or what have you are hot. >.>)

Also, that stuff about finding a map for knights? Totally true with my femme, too! Reading about other people with like experiences makes me go, “Oh thank GOD it’s normal!” Which is extra nice mostly because this girly, I-like-knights vibe is so often looked down on as anti-feminist (something I REALLY have to watch in myself, especially as the girly-girls I’ve known are often people I want to shake, with the notable exception of my big sister, who is the ultimate girly-girl and also a feminist and I admire her SO VERY MUCH). So it’s really nice, for me, to see that it’s okay and it’s still awesome and I can stop beating myself up for having that I-like-knights vibe (as if having that meant I WAS waiting around to be rescued. And now I realize that, no, I just like it. I don’t need rescuing, I just enjoy being loved and cherished and treated like a girl. Which works, because apparently DK likes doing the loving and cherishing and treating me like a girl, which in turn makes me go all moony eyed and gooey.)

And that last is a tangent that I’ll run with now. πŸ˜€ It feels very one-sided sometimes, this stud/knight/femme thing. The one-sidedness is still something I’m coming to terms with, because I can say, “DK likes me, and she shows it in all these eighty gazillion ways,” but… well, someone once asked me, “Why do you like me?” And I was like, “for these traits! And you do awesome things for me!” But that’s just mercenary sounding, you know? And I think, ‘how do I show someone I like them?’ And I do try to make it an active thing, but my brain tends not to work in, “what can I get them?” and more in, “I’m going to give you a kiss.” Which IS active, but not AS active as, if someone says, “How do you know DK loves you?” I can present them with this LIST of all these awesome things she’s done for me, and I can’t present any such list for things I’ve done for her.

See the one-sidedness?

People say, “You let her do those things that make her happy,” which is true, but that’s kind of a selfish act, too. I mean, it’s not like I’m sitting there thinking, “Gee, I really don’t want her to get me a blanket, but I’ll allow it because it makes her happy.” I’m more like, “MWAHAHAHAHHA, BLANKET FOR MEEEE! SNUGGLETIME!” Of course, I’m reading all this stuff by butches, and they’re like, “WE LOVE THAT YOU DO THIS/LET US DO THIS,” and DK has said the same thing, so maybe I had just better leave it well enough alone. Something that is easier with a whole community going, “WE LOVE THIS.” *wry laugh*

Wow. This post is even more all over the place than usual, I think.

In short, all of this has given me a lot to think about in a gleeful, my-life-is-awesome sort of way. πŸ˜€ And I get to see DK AT CHRISTMAS! *does a dance!* Man, I can’t wait to see her. I’m in a pouncing sort of mood. >.>

J

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