To The FemmeMobile! Away!











{January 15, 2010}   I just need a butch petting zoo, that’s all.

Earlier today, I wrote this:

I am distressed. I’ve gone my whole life without really even wanting a relationship. Don’t get me wrong; it isn’t that I didn’t want a relationship, but more than if one happened, great, and if not, that was okay too. I was fine by myself.

Then I realized I was bi, but didn’t like girls. Okay, yeah, that’ll fuck with your head. I’d look at Megan Fox or Charisma Carpenter and think they were SO hot, but then I’d think about snuggling or kissing and be not so turned on. And yet, every so often I’d meet a girl that did turn me on. It was darn rare, and I couldn’t figure out what they had in common. It certainly wasn’t looks.

Then I started dating Dark, and after a year and a half she pointed out butch/femme stuff to me. That was late last summer/early fall. It was like flipping a switch, and all the intelligent butch woman with their extremely well written blogs didn’t help.(You bastards. I don’t mean that. But I also do.)

This awful feeling started, even while I was dating Dark (my handsome butch lady lived in England, so she wasn’t here to fix the feeling). Now we’re not seeing each other anymore, and it’s so much worse. I mean, I recognize parts of it: the excitement that comes with something new, wanting to learn more and read more and find like-minded people. But that’s not all of it. Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I find myself wanting a relationship.

It sucks.

And it’s incredibly disheartening. Because I could never predict what women I’d be attracted to, and because I still liked some men (the men who acted like butch women, I’m now thinking…), I never bothered cultivating that lesbian side of me. I didn’t bother learning where LGBTQ people hung out, or what signs and signals to look for, because it wasn’t a huge part of my life. Now it is, and I don’t know where to begin.

Logically, I know it’s not all that bad. My Unitarian church is very queer friendly, so I’m going to start by getting to know them better. I’ve found some personals sites and have put up some profiles. I know other gay people, and I can go to my friend Nezu‘s queer church. Eventually, I’ll find my way into the right circles.

I wish there were butch/femme circles. 😦 Maybe there are, and someday I’ll find them.

But I have never been good at patience, and this feeling is awful. I suppose this is yearning, though that sounds so very emo. I feel vaguely heartbroken. And to top it off, the distraught part of me knows that I’m looking at a minority of a minority. It would take the PERFECT PERSON for me to be willing to look outside an hour’s drive, so that cuts down the field further. And then I want the perfect person anyway; I’m not, and have never been, willing to settle.

And that’s when I get this distressed feeling, because I can’t imagine ever finding that. I mean, when I was looking at men it was so much easier, because there are men all over! I firmly believe there’s hordes of them who are perfect for me, and it’d happen, I didn’t have to fuss over it.

There are not hordes of butch women. I don’t see them everywhere I turn. (One in two weeks.) There is no steady reminder that they’re there, I’m just waiting for the right one.

This SUCKS. I’m having a heck of a time convincing myself it’ll be okay. I’m sure in a month I’ll have calmed down and be back to my steady self. …Maybe. I thought that three months ago, so now I’m not so sure. I totally understand how girls become boy-crazy. I would like to go back to being steady, thanks. Or alternately, date. At least then I’ll feel like I’m working toward something. 😛

I’m not even seeing men I find particularly attractive anymore! AGH. I do not know how to do this.

**

Then, after I wrote that, I got an email off a personals site from a woman who terms herself soft-butch, or futch (which makes me laugh). I feel a little bit better, and I think I’ll look around for groups that do things I enjoy. Hiking and that sort of thing. I’m not feeling quite so frustrated, but man, it’s still slightly killing me. I may break down and search out femmes in the area — I know a couple of the bloggers are in San Fran, but it feels weird to just go ping them. At least, though, they’d have some idea of what I’m hitting up against! And possibly advice. And they can laugh at my angst. I would laugh at me. ;-D

In the meantime! Deep breath, self. It will all be okay.

J

*Edit: I found a local lesbian group that meets up twice a month. They have 277 members. o.O Mwahahaha! I feel plugged in and hopeful again.

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you know how I met my lady? THROUGH CRAIGSLIST. seriously. because she and I were both stranded lonely lezzies whose friends — even in SF — were ALL STRAIGHT. I’ll tell the story on my blog someday, but she posted a friend ad on CL saying basically “any awesome queer chicks wanna be friends? I NEED ME SOME HOMOS” and I was looking for the same thing and so we hung out for like 2 months as friends before we started dating. haha. and now we have to tell people we met on craigslist, which always raises an omg-what-if-she’d-been-a-serial-killer eyebrow. but hey, it WORKED!

you can always ping, btw 😉



JB says:

*LAUGHS!* Now I have the urge to advertise on Craigslist for a lady… ;-D And I wish you would tell the story on your blog! It sounds like an interesting one. ;-D

The last — only — two serious relationships I had were with people I met online, so I understand about the raised eyebrow look. I kind of enjoy getting it. ;-D

*laughs* I may take you up on that pinging offer! I’ve joined some things now that might keep me busy, but I may ping you anyway — it might be nice to have a femme friend that I can talk to about femme stuff. ;-D

J



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