To The FemmeMobile! Away!

{January 18, 2010}   Ah, the things we learn…

So, some history. I knew I was bi years ago, but didn’t do anything about the female aspect of bi because I was so rarely attracted to females. Then I found butch, and BAM, attraction hits. LIKE A SEMI. Anyway, all this is still very new to me (as you may have picked up on…), and I’m still figuring things out.

But what I find most interesting, is the attitudes that I’m only just realizing I have, thanks to my femme/butch realization. Two of them have cropped up recently, and both are being dealt with, but it’s still fascinating to see that I have these assumptions.

The first happened when I was driving around one day — home from my last client, I believe — and I was thinking about how what I really wanted was a roomful of butch women, so that I could just flit from one to the next and flirt shamelessly. I like flirting shamelessly. ;-D Dress cute, tip my head, toss my hair, bat my eyelashes, attempt the “No, really, I’m innocent. Wanna check? I see a secluded corner…” look. In thinking this, I realized that I’m mourning the inability to do that, now.

Which got the sane part of my mind going, “…you can still do that. They’re women, not dead.

And the not-sane part of me went, “No I can’t. You don’t do that with women.”

Sane: Sure you can. Why not? It’s still flirting.

Not-Sane: Because you don’t. Women don’t flirt like that.

Sane: How do you know? How many lesbian bars have you gone to, hmmm?

Not-Sane: Just — just– shuddup! Men are supposed to look and they’re allowed to leer and flirt back and appreciate when you doll up and do the come-hither things, and women don’t!

Sane: *GASP!* You’re SEXIST!

Not-Sane: I am not!

Sane: YOU TOTALLY ARE. You have completely bought into the sexist belief that men are “allowed” to objectify you and look and leer at you and you’re expected — even supposed — to flit around and flirt and encourage it! And that women aren’t supposed to leer and look and appreciate!

Not-Sane: …I hate you right now.


Not-Sane: I just don’t want to flirt with all those women and lead them on when I know damn well I’m not attracted to most of them, and I’m doing it all for the one butch in the corner.

Sane: You do that in a roomful of guys you aren’t attracted to.

Not-Sane: That’s different. And don’t start with the sexist thing again!

Sane: *whistles*

Not-Sane: The men expect that I’ll do it and not nesicarily be attracted to them, as long as I don’t lead them on!

Sane: *whistles*

Not-Sane: I hate you like cancer. Besides, the guys like to look and the girls probably just get annoyed.

Sane: Now you’re a mind reader, huh?

Not-Sane: I’m just saying, it’s not part of what’s done — don’t you start with the bar statement again — and most of the lesbian women probably won’t appreciate it. The vast majority of guys at least enjoy looking at me — it’s eye candy, and I know that and I’m happy with it — but the lesbians probably won’t unless they’re attracted to femme women.

Sane: …hm. You could be right on that one. But then, you could say the same about men — only the ones that like your type are attracted to you.

Not-Sane: WHAT?! What do you mean not everyone is attracted to me? *sad*

Sane: What do you care? You’re not attracted to them, either!

Not-Sane: *sad*

So, anyway, this is where I ended my mental conversation.Ā  Then last night I was talking to my friend, K (who is a psychologist, and has done quite a bit of work with GLBTQ folk), and I told her about this (well, except the bit about being sad at not being attractive to EVERYONE! That, I’ll just have to get over. ;-D). I talked a bit about feeling like it was okay with men, in part because that’s what society has taught me and in part because I feel like lesbian women do things differently — maybe also because of society, but maybe because they feel differently, or maybe I’m totally wrong about that assumption, who knows? — and how I didn’t want to bother or bug other people with my flirtiness.

She had some great advice for me! She pointed out that I wasn’t trying to attract those women who wouldn’t be interested in that, and if my goal was to attract a butch woman who WAS interested in someone like me, I should present myself just exactly the way I was comfortable — flirty and all. That if the person I’m attracted to is likely to be attracted to my flirty, femme self, then I should be my flirty, femme self and not worry! That I should tone down the flirting with the ones I wasn’t interested in, sure, and maybe I can make friends with them, but I can slide from flirty to not and back again, and that I shouldn’t try to not flirt because I think it’s not done. The person I’m trying to attract –someone who is attracted to femmes, and me — will respond to my being femme, and me.

I think I knew all that on some level, but it was good to hear it summed up neatly for me (it was much neater than I just typed it out). So that was good. šŸ˜€

Also when I was talking to K last night, I had another one of those realizations about my attitudes. We were talking, and I was waxing rhapsodic about butch women, and she tipped her head and said, “So, are you attracted to transgendered people?” And the answer is very much, “Yes, to transgendered women,” and that’s what I said, but I had to stop and think about it for a minute.

My emotional reaction was, “NO! That’s shallow!” But when I stopped and thought about it, I realized it’s no more shallow than saying, “I’m attracted to men.” And it’s true, to boot! And still I felt, “But… that’s just wrong.” So I had to think about that for a minute, and realized… well, I’m not sure exactly what I realized, except that my head is crazy and I need to shed the belief that that’s “wrong”. Which didn’t take me long, as soon as I pointed out to myself that it’s no more “wrong” than being attracted to men. ;-D

So! Interesting stuff. Learning new things every day. Ahhh, my crazy brain, I love it. šŸ˜€



[…] looking back at what I’ve written just now, maybe it’s not masculinity, even. Maybe K was right and I’m attracted to transgendered people. I mean, the more I think about the guy I would be […]

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