To The FemmeMobile! Away!











{January 20, 2010}   okay, here goes…

So, part of the reason I started this blog was because I have this neurosis. (Shuddup, you. And you too, in the back! *grins*) I have a hell of a time talking about sex.

I don’t mean sex in the abstract, like, “Some people find BDSM to be very stimulating,” or even, “And then she swept her tongue up the inside of Melina’s silken thigh,” oh, no. Heck, I write gay porn romance novels for a living; that, I’m used to. (Ironically, I started writing gay sex because I couldn’t even do that, at first…) It’ s sex to do with me. What I like, what turns me on, things like that. I have noticed, however, that lots of gay bloggers seem to talk about their sex life and have no problems with that. And I WANT a great sex life. And yet, this is practically a phobia. I can think and imagine talking about sex just fine, but the instant I try to say (or type, or write) any of it, I’m practically paralyzed. I want to get over that.

See, the thing is, LOTS of things turn me on. Or at least, the thought of them does. I have a ridiculously strong libido. It’s not uncommon for me to stay awake at least one night out of the month, unable to sleep because I’m horny (and yes, that’s even with masturbation, thankyouverymuch). (Ha! I said masturbation, about me! I’m improving. I’ve made a concerted effort to improve over the last year and a half. Now I can say that I masturbate. *headdesk*)

At one point, I was telling my then-girlfriend, DK, about this butch/femme novella I had planned. She made a joking comment that she couldn’t wait for me to write it, because she was going to plumb it for my turn-ons.

I laughed. And then I froze. I couldn’t even think about writing the book anymore, because someone was reading it knowing that I was probably writing what I thought was hot. (I still haven’t gone back to that book, but I’m going to.)  Do you see my problem? If I can’t even put what I think is hot in fiction, because someone might (correctly) relate it back to me… I’m doomed. I can answer questions; if someone says, “Do you think this is hot?” I will say yes or no. It’s just coming up with it on my own that I struggle with — and not because I don’t know what I think is hot. Boy, do I know. Just because trying to verbalize it stops me dead.

So. Here I am. With an over-healthy libido and the desire to try all sorts of things, and panic that closes my throat when I start suggesting anything, even tame things like “we should french kiss!” This is not cool.

This, for me, is step one. Admitting I Have A Problem. ;-D I think I know where the problem came from, too, which will give me some steps to talk myself around it. Tonight, for this first sex-life post, I’m probably just going to talk about that. I’m warming up, that’s all. >.> (I’ve decided that these posts will happen no less than once a week. I need to hold my feet to the fire, or I’ll NEVER get over this.)

The earliest experience with any sexual that I remember is Top Gun. Do you remember what a stir it created? Not because it was a good movie, but because Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis french kissed, and you could see his tongue in her mouth. Much like they do in the movies all the time, today, but back then it was A Big Thing. And my mother objected–loudly. Not because they were french kissing on TV, but because they were french kissing at all. Because it was disgusting that he had his tongue in her mouth, and who would ever want anyone to do that ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew! (Only she didn’t sound so sixteen.) The next, similiar, experience I had involved blow jobs, and great disgusting and shuddering.

Now, mind you, at each of these occurrences I already thought these were pretty normal things that I, too, would do someday. It kind of turned me on my head, and what I took away from these — and, I’m sure, a lot of much more minor experiences involving discussions of sex — was that even minor things fill other people with absolute disgust and will then get talked about, so don’t say anything ever ever ever ever.

It was a lesson I learned well.

Now I’m 29, fairly inexperienced, extremely curious (and, let’s face it, horny), really good at flirting and teasing, and not so good at saying, “Honey, will you eat me out?” Or anything of the like. (See, even when I’m writing rhetorically, I have to phrase it in such a way that it sounds vaguely unreal to me, so I can claim I was kidding and wouldn’t actually say that myself, nosir.)

I’ve come leaps and bounds in the last six months or so. I’ve been making a concerted effort to change my thoughts surrounding sex, to tell myself that the people I’m dating don’t feel disgusted at everything remotely sexual, and won’t be repulsed if I say that I like dildos. (And even writing THAT made it suddenly hard to breathe, and I had to talk myself into writing it and talk myself out of writing it, and AGH. I don’t know if it’s better to say, “This is where I’m struggling and why,” or if it’s better to just keep writing. If I stop and say, “This is where I’m struggling and why” — like I’m doing now — it gives me a chance to distance, calm down, stop looking at it, and by the time I get all the way down here I can convince myself not to go back and delete it. Christ.) (Actually, I don’t own a dildo. But I like the thought of them.) (Ha ha, I didn’t panic so much that time!)

I’ve been reading — well, I’m ALWAYS reading spiritual and personal growth books, which I post about ad nauseum on my other journal — books, and one of them was talking about sex and how it’s a loving act, not a shameful one. I keep trying to remember that, that this is something you do and it even makes your higher power happy. It’s helped, actually. Well, that, and knowing that DK was going to move over here eventually and I wanted to be OVER this by then. Now we’re not dating, but I’m going to date someone else and at least she already knew I had Issues, and anyone new won’t. >.<

I’ve had sex. I’ve had really great sex, as long as someone else is taking charge, and I can do things or not do things — as long as I don’t have to say, “Please do x!” I’m perfectly fine at saying, “No,” and then trying something to see how the other person will take it. To a certain extent, you follow body language; relaxing or moaning or gasping is good. Tension, fear, and drawing back is not. (Well, okay, it depends on the tension, but you know what I mean.) But I want to be able to say, “I would like to do this,” Or, “Do that, it feels good,” Or, “Hey, wanna try…?” I can’t do that.

Yet.

This is step one, I think. I know where it came from. I’ve started the work to heal some of the unnecessary shame and disgust — or rather, fear of other peoples’ disgust of me — around it. I need to talk about it.

Phew. Talking about talking about it has worn me out. But at least I’ve started. 😉

J

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Nezuko says:

It’s a hard thing to overcome sexual shame in a culture as shaming as ours is. The first time I bought a sex toy, I was scared out of my mind. Now, even though I’ve become that person who takes others shopping for their first sex toys (including my own sister) and I think of myself as being really pretty progressive when it comes to my attitude about sex and sexuality, I still struggle with shame. If you want to go to Good Vibrations with me sometime, maybe I can get over my fear of being judged and get that packing toy I’ve been wanting for um… years. But been too ashamed to buy for myself. And you can pick out an awesome dildo.

Asking your lover to try something you want to try is hard, I think, even in a really comfortable relationship, because we are so conditioned, from early childhood onward, to think of the sexual aspects of our bodies and minds as dirty and disgusting, to be ashamed of those parts of ourselves. Trusting that our partners actually WANT to put their mouths there, their fingers there, to talk dirty, to share a fantasy, takes a huge leap of faith. Even if we know that it’s something we’d like to do for them, the idea that they might like to do that for us is kind of frightening.

And then you get into the whole realm of what turns you on, what you fantasize about, what you find hot, and the amount of shaming there is just astounding. (Do I dare admit that I find leather hot? Will she think I’m some kind of BDSM freak? Wait, what if I actually like BDSM? Do I dare tell her THAT? etc etc)

One thing that really helped me was reading a couple of Nancy Friday’s books on sexual fantasies ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nancy_Friday#Bibliography ) Reading them, I really got a sense that sexual desire and sexual fantasy were a lot more varied and commonplace than our buttoned up society would have us believe. It made me feel much more comfortable with my own sexuality, to know that there were plenty of other people who had similar turn-ons, and those turn-ons included things a little spicier than walking hand-in-hand on moonlit beaches.

Another thing that helped me was realizing that I really liked it when my partner was vocal. Knowing you’ve pleased your partner is in and of itself sexually exciting. So letting your partner know she has pleased you is reciprocally a good thing for her. Ironically, when I first was sexually active, I was generally silent when I masturbated, and silent with my partners. I remember telling one partner that those moaning orgasms they show in porn were all just fakes. But once I liberated my voice with a partner, I liberated it with myself, too. So now I have to make an extra effort to be quiet, if I’m someplace where being heard would be a problem (like, for example, spending a week at my mom’s) And for sure those are not fakes.

OK, and the shame thing? I’m totally freaked out that I just told you all that. OMG what will JB think about me? *shame shame shame* You’re not alone there, either.

Phew indeed.

Nezu



JB says:

Excellent, now after all our talk of talking about sex, we each need a drink. ;-D

Reading Sugarbutch has, interestingly, helped me. I think because Sinclare’s extremely open about her sex life, what she’s trying, what’s hot, what’s not, the issues that crop up — all of it. It’s not all my cuppa, but it at least shows me that even when things aren’t my cuppa, they’re not bad. I’ll have to look up those books, too; thank you. 😀

As for Good Vibrations, I’m definitely not at a point where I’m going into a sex toy store with anyone except possibly a girlfriend. Who dragged me in there. With bribery of coffee afterward. *eyes said ex* I’ll get there eventually, but not yet. ;-D When I do get there, we’ll have to go on a shopping spree or somesuch. >.<

J



yep, I can vouch for the fact that the more you do it (talk about sex and what you want, that is), the easier (and more fun) it gets. mi’lady and I have flipping awesome conversations about sex and all the stuff we want to do. the conversations are almost as awesome as the sex. well, ok, not really. but, you know, they’re awesome, as far as conversations go!



JB says:

*cracks UP* That’s awesome to know! And actually, just posting this (and getting positive responses) has helped, I think.

Or maybe that’s the beer. It could be the beer. ;-D

It’s funny how positive responses even in a forum like this can help. (Thank you. :D) Now I just have to figure out what to write about. *laughs*

J



Dark says:

Is it weird to say that I’m RIDICULOUSLY PROUD of you over this? I’m not sure if I’m still allowed to be proud — or, uh, yell about it.

Hell, I’m proud. Look at you, lady! You rock! 😀

And if you didn’t see this already, Devo threw up this Sex Is Not The Enemy link on his LJ. It’s very NSFW, but it’s entirely awesome. Sex is a celebrated thing — a brilliant thing, even — and everyone is welcome. It made me grin just reading through it, and feel a little easier.

Likewise, I’m getting your (extremely belated) birthday present in the mail this week, with an eye towards providing some, uh, material in advancing your sex-boundaries. *grins* Again, probably not something an ex should send you. But as you’re so very fond of saying, we’re not normal exes.

Again, RIDICULOUSLY PROUD.



JB says:

*cracks UP* Obviously, we are on the same mental wavelength here, because this link (which I hadn’t seen, and made me very happy, thank you!) totally solved a problem I hadn’t yet mentioned I had! I shall expand in a later post. (Like that’s any surprise, right?)

(And of course you can be proud of me! And even yell about it! Because we are Just That Awesome. :D)

*dies about the present* You are sending me silk ties! Mmm, socially acceptable bondage… Or possibly not. >.> *grins* I am waiting with bated breath, and no small amount of ‘ohgod’ ness. *grins*

J



[…] after my last post about talking about sex, I hit a snag. See, I wasn’t about to discuss my actual sex life. That involves (well, […]



[…] 9, 2010 7:41 am Remember how I said I was going to write about sex? Yeeeaaaah. Well, hey, I’m finally getting […]



[…] she grilled me on the rest of it, including the whys and wherefores of my issues (which I’ve talked about before), and she seems to think it’s an interesting challenge more than anything. This cracks me up. […]



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