To The FemmeMobile! Away!











{February 6, 2010}   Femme, stirred but not shaken.

I just spent the last hour or so pulling femme stuff over from my personal journal and editing them for coherency to put them here, so I have it all in one place. In part because back in October (was it really that recent? Man.) I really needed help figuring this shit out, and there wasn’t anything like that. I don’t know if this will help other up and coming femme sisters, but at least it’s somewhere for people to start, to see that we all have questions and confusion and things to work through.

It also means all those links people got pingbacks about before? They’re about to get pingbacks again. Which is mostly G, Nezu, DK, and my older sister. Sorry, guys! But not sorry enough not to do one more. Hopefully you’ll check that one first and ignore the others. 😉

It was interesting, to go through my old entries. To see the brilliant excitement at finding something I identified with, only to then watch as I started to question and angst and weave back and forth. “Is this me? Is it not? AGH!” All my theories on butch and femme and some behavior patterns and my own problems. Even though it was only four months ago, I want to give four-months-younger-me a hug and tell her it’ll be okay.

Which isn’t to say things are perfect, by any means, but I feel so much more secure now than I did then. I can’t believe it’s only been four months! I know I said that a second ago, but I’m saying it again. WOW.

Reading all of this reminded me of things I’d meant to blog about (there’s all sorts of lines like, “I was thinking about this and I’m going to blog about it but not right now aaaaaagggghhhhh!”). I thought about writing them down, and then decided if they’re REALLY important I’ll remember. (It should be noted that I’ve already forgotten.) (It should also be noted that the whole “will write about x later” is a habit of mine. If I ever say that, the likelihood I actually WILL write about it has probably faded to nil. It’s like the death knell to potentiality.)

I’ve been thinking a lot about femme, mostly because of the post I put up yesterday about what makes me feel femme, and the fact that I don’t feel femme all the time. This morning, in that murky time between sleeping and waking, I realized it didn’t matter if I didn’t feel femme all the time. It’s a new identity, and I’m still stretching it and growing into it, all at the same time. It’s only been four months. Reading all of this tonight solidified that for me. In fact, there are some really good things in those earlier posts that I needed to read, that reminded me I’m on a path and I haven’t reached the end. (Do we ever? Maybe, maybe, after we die.)

At one point, I knew how femme was subversive. I didn’t know that was the word for it, but I knew what it was. At another point, I talked about femme invisibility and trying to deal with it, with some interesting parallels and looks into myself that aren’t always so nice. I’m glad I have this blog, with all these easy to find tags. Maybe occasionally I’ll remind myself to go back and read what I’ve written. Turns out, I’m not so dumb. 😉 Nor so easily shaken off my set path.

Oh — and if you’re wondering where all these posts are, check October and November. There’s even a widget for it, titled “the story so far…” Everything was backdated to when it actually happened. 😉 I had a lot more posts than I thought, but I’m glad they’re all here now.

J

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G says:

Ping away, I don’t care.

It’s cool to be able to see the path of others, and even my own. I looked at some of my first posts the other day, and wow. Even in a short amount of time I’ve grown, thanks to both writing/expressing and by witnessing the journey and genius of others. It’s so damn cool. Thanks for sharing yours with us.

Oh, and btw. I don’t know if WP.com has this, but WP.org has the ability to do a Quick Draft. If I think of something I want to write, I either jot a couple of key words in that Quick Draft and save it, or I type it into Notepad and save it to my desktop so I can access it later. That seems to help.



JB says:

I’m always amazed when I look back through my old wanderings — some of them not even that old! — and see how far I’ve come. It makes me glad I keep a journal. Even an electronic one. 😉

My problem is the sheer volume of ideas, honestly. I have 7-8 on quickdraft, another 10-15 in a notebook, and if I read other peoples’ blogs I get MORE ideas. I just don’t have the time to write them out properly! (I also — in addition to training dogs that bite me — write novels. I’m not up for more writing, even blogging, after I’ve written 4000 words. ;-D) I just need more hours in my day, that’s all. Maybe I can cut out meals… ;-D

J



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