To The FemmeMobile! Away!











{February 9, 2010}   Sex and language

Remember how I said I was going to write about sex? Yeeeaaaah. Well, hey, I’m finally getting there!

Part of why I haven’ t been doing that is, ironically, for healthy reasons. After I found Sex is Not the Enemy (sidebar!) and decided I’d write about that, I realized that, well, I didn’t mind writing about that. I think in just thinking about talking about sex, I’m getting less stressed about it. Also, have I mentioned I’m writing a femme/butch novella? I am. There will be sex, which will give me what is most likely a much better platform to figure out my continuing weirdness from. (I should probably write about sex anyway, just to practice. If I’m TOTALLY comfortable writing about it in a blog, then I’ll be more comfortable talking about it in person! But I have no illusions that blogging about it is going to be nearly as scary as talking sex with a real live person I care about…)

So, anyway, I started analyzing (because I LOVE analyzing!) what got me the most worried. It’s totally language. (Yeah, my last post did remind me of this. *grins*)

When I first started writing gay sex, I had the same problem. “Penis” is clinical, “Dick” is high school, “Cock” felt waaaaay too dirty. Not hot-dirty, but shameful dirty. Now I’m hitting the same problem, both in my (admittedly non-existent — YET) sex life, and in writing the novella. (Which I haven’t started, but I’m good at predicting.)

I bought a couple of lesbian short stories (I seriously want to shoot the ‘femme’ in one of them), and read through those. Mostly, they avoid talking about The Area at all. There was an occasional ‘pussy,’ lots of ‘slick wetness’ and — oh yeah — ‘lips.’

Let’s imagine this scene for a moment.

[There is hot, passionate making out going on!]
Bobbi: Ooohhh, yes, right there! Lick my lips!
Sharon: uh… okay… *licks mouth*
Bobbi: …not what I meant.
Sharon: You have to be clear in these things!

Also, just in writing this I’ve realized that in a situation like this, I’m a lot more likely to say clit anyway. Which, who knows why, doesn’t carry a lot of the baggage cunt or pussy does for me. (They both just seem violent or brash. Which isn’t bad, except I’m neither a violent or brash person. IN SEX. You in the peanut gallery, stop laughing. And while I’m sure someday I will have violent and brash moments, they aren’t all the time. So when I’m not feeling either of those, I need another word. Or I need to get over my issues. I’m not sure which. Feel free to weigh in!)

In writing gay romance, ‘cock’ stopped seeming a shameful word, and now it’s kind of hot. So maybe les sex is the same thing, and once I get used to using the words I won’t have the violent/brash/clinical/high school connotations? (Okay, I am ALWAYS going to have the high school connotations with words like “vajayjay.”) That, I’ll figure out as I write my les novella. πŸ˜€

But, here’s another issue. I’m not the ordering kinda gal. It almost makes me more uncomfortable to think about ordering someone to do something than to think about the language involved. Which brings me to ANOTHER thought I’ve been thinking. I feel uncomfortable taking over, taking charge. I’d much rather push and push and tease and push until the other person drags me off somewhere, and I will happily do whatever they say. This seems very D/s to me, and I’m not at all sure I’m comfortable with that. In fact, I’m just going to leave the topic there — look, I broached it, now let’s not talk about it until I bring it up again, okay? Okay.

Instead, let’s go back to that ordering thing. πŸ˜€ Where’s the line between ordering someone to do something, asking someone to do something, and saying you like something? I mean, it’s easy enough to say, “Hey, I like what you’re doing right there right now!” but what if we’re making out and what I’d really like her to do is to… uh, my mind went blank. Bite my hipbone! That’s something I can talk about right now without stress. πŸ˜€ Okay, so then I say, “Hey, would you..?”

…actually, that seems simple enough. I think it’s just the compilation of all the stresses that made it seem so big. Good thing I used hipbone! Also, part of what I’m dealing with — and I’ve just realized this — is the fear that whatever I say, I’ll get that disgusted, “EW NO!” reaction. But asking doesn’t hurt, and I’m not going to get ridiculed. (Or if I do, I’ll break out my handy pit bull launcher and sic Lily on them. Then call Every Butch I Know. What? I’m allowed to be vindictive. Because.)

Okay! Now let’s go back to that D/s thing. Actually, I don’t know enough about D/s to know if that’s what it is, I’ve just had it hammered into my head so much that submissive at all = BAD BAD BAD that even this little bit of it makes me quail. The fact is, I’m such a tease. You know what my favorite thing to do with DK was? Tease her. Bite my lip. Bite her lip. Grab her tie and pull her in and tease her some more before walking away, all mock-innocent. Lick her earlobe. And I knew full well that if I did enough of it, eventually she’d give me that Look and grab me, kiss me senseless or pin me against the wall or against the couch or haul me around and do wonderful wonderful things.

I’m feeling all mushy just thinking about it. (Not THAT kind of mushy. *grins*)

I’m an instigator, no doubt about it! It’s how I feel theΒ  most powerful, pushing someone right up to that edge and then right over it, too! Then I get a little thrill about how powerful they are, and there’s a TOTAL kink there. But despite the fact that I’m going to gleefully instigate, I don’t really want to take charge when it comes down to actual sex. This surprises no one, right? πŸ˜‰ But aside from my bizarre and varied issues, it’s more than that. I find it VERY difficult to initiate. (Okay, that is, in part, because of my issues.) I like it best when someone else leads the way, and I can just cavort along. And there is cavorting. I did the most of my cavorting with my ex-boyfriend (since he lived on the same continent and all…), who would happily lead the way and I gleefully followed. I can totally imagine doing what someone asks and feeling all sexy about it, but the idea of ordering someone else around? It’s kind of an anti-kink for me. (That’s not strictly true. There are certain moods that I find myself in that, occasionally, will make me want to order people around. Often I also feel wicked. >.>)

But even when I’m in the right mood, I don’t get the same warm-inside-slinky feeling that I get from imagining being hauled around and allowing requests. Because that’s really what it is: you tell me what you want, and I’ll decide if I’m willing to do it.

I remember thinking once that that wasn’t very fair. At the time, I was thinking about movies. I would say, “I don’t know what I want to see. What do you want to see?” It was an insecurity move: I didn’t have to show my hand, and I had the power to yea or nay. Sex doesn’t feel the same thing. It’s more like, “Will you get me a drink while you’re up?” “…only if you’re very good.” It’s totally a power play. They want something, I have the power to give it — or not. Which, from what I’ve read, IS a D/s thing. I think. Maybe. The whole subject makes me uncomfortable so, in general, I stay away from it. (The BDSM fiction I’ve read has left me feeling very turned off and twitchy.) BUT! Maybe I should look, just so I have some answers.

Eckhart Tolle, among many others, has said that you can’t deal with something until you’ve accepted it’s there. I’ve been running from this submissive, follow-along tendency for, um, ever. Time to look at it, because it could come from general insecurity, but I don’t think it does. It could be a kink, so I might as well find someone who has a mirroring kink, right? Hmmm.

MORE things to think about. πŸ˜‰

J

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Nezuko says:

I love you, JB, but if you use “vejayjay” as the word for pussy in your novella, I think I might have to boycott it.

I’m also disallowing “pudenda” on the grounds that it sounds like something Bill Cosby used to make ads for: MMM Jello pudenda pops! And nix to “sweet flowing source of her womanhood” because OMG just no.

Got it?

As a fellow writer of sometimes salacious material, I have to agree that some of the problem is just our own unfamiliarity with the words. One doesn’t, in a good 99% of polite conversations, discuss genitalia and the pleasures of the flesh. Since I’ve been writing things pornish, I’ve gotten over my fear of “cock” and learned to embrace it. “Cunt” is actually just as nice and punchy a word, and one I’m coming (no pun intended) to quite like. Plus it has heritage. Shakespeare used it.

And… BDSM. Yeah. Strange subject. I think especially because it’s so very demarcated. You can’t just enjoy a little power-dynamic play, or maybe think of ties as very nice silk ropes; either you are totally into the whole kinky, uke/seme, dom/sub, roleplaying scene, or you are vanilla and hopelessly square. At least that’s the way it seems to play out when anyone within the BDSM world talks about it.

But I think you can enjoy it a little without needing to invest in a basement dungeon. At least I sure as heck hope so, because I live in a 3rd floor apartment, and a basement is out of the question. *wink*



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