To The FemmeMobile! Away!

{February 23, 2010}   On sex, and first moves

I’m BACK! With SO much to talk about. My hand is at half power, though, and I spent the day writing, so this might be a lot shorter than I want. Watch me get halfway through a post and have to duck out. ;-D (Of course I would still post it and leave you all hanging. I’m evil.)

I’m catching up slowly on the other blogs — give me a week, and maybe I’ll make it. 😉

In the meantime! So the day I got bit by a dog (which happened in the evening), I also got a delivery from England and my ex-girlfriend/best friend, Dark. It was a rather large box. I happened to know, from something she’d said, that she was sending me a sex toy.

It was a rather large box.

So I opened it up, and lo and behold, there isn’t a sex toy. There’s SEVERAL sex toys, with a book — “1001 Ridiculous Sexual Misadventures” (which is hilarious. My dad read it while he was here.), various flavors of lube, a letter that cracked me up and made me feel warm and fuzzy, and — … I think there was something else, but now I’ve forgotten. Hang on! I’ll go look.

Oh! Batteries.  (My ex-girlfriend is better than your ex-girlfriend. KIDDING! I’M KIDDING!)

As I was opening the box up, in my empty apartment with the blinds closed lest stray squirrels peer in, I could feel myself squirming with laughter and embarrassment. In my empty apartment. Obviously, my issues are not over. So, naturally, when my friend Nezu arrived not too long later, I told her about the box of sex toys and managed not to die of more embarrassment. Go me! Improvement!

(There was this pink thing and it is awesome and might just make me melt into a puddle of goo. Funny thing, though, about a bad injury and infection — at least for me — is that you lose your sex drive. So that’s all I’ve tested out, yet.)  (I’m not sure if I’ll tell you all about the others. We’ll see. Maybe behind a cut.) (Not in this post.) (I need to get a move on on getting over this issue!)

In related news, I had a successful date last night! With a really hot butch, Q, who’s five years older than me and keeps surprising me by not being any taller than I am. Every time she stood up I was surprised. Big energy. VERY BUTCH. I’m in seventh heaven, and we’ve been emailing and texting back and forth all day. And evening. And I’m going over to her place on Wednesday.

At the end of the date there was that moment of awkward, “Do we hug? Kiss? Shake hands? Bow? WHAT?” which is usual, but it made me very self-conscious, again, that this is something I want to get over. NOW. (My best bud, Dr. Danny, told me, “…wow. By that time we’d [gay guys] would be trying to get into each other’s pants already.” I laughed really hard. I wouldn’t mind that so much…)

The date on Wednesday involves dinner and a movie at her place. Hopefully there will be making out. But, see, just thinking that I start to freeze up. If she doesn’t start, will I? Not should I — I’m not really worried that I’ll read the situation wrong. I’m pretty sure, after lots of emails and texts today, that she likes me. And I know from her profile and a comment in an email that she’s just as sexual as I am. And I know myself well enough to know that I’ll be able to tell the situation — and that I’ll probably panic, convince myself I’m reading it wrong, and freeze.

I really hate that. I’m not sure how to get over it. All the self talk in the world hasn’t helped so far.

But you know what? Maybe I’m using the wrong self-talk. As I sit here remembering the self-talk I used with Dark, it didn’t tend toward positive. It was more like, “Stop being a wiener and make a move!” Which, really, just made me feel bad about being a coward. Maybe what I need to do is take a breath, remember that I’m attractive, self-confident, and I can get over anything, and go from there. And not beat myself up if I freeze, anyway. Try and move through the moment, even if that moment isn’t what I’d hoped it would be.

…I’m probably not going to make the first move, anyway. Not the VERY first move. But I will tease and flirt. >.> And maybe I’ll make the second move! I think I can handle the second move. I don’t mean like kissing back, I mean after a first move has been made and now we’re doing something else, I could do the second initiation! That’s a step forward, but less intimidating. (I have this voice in the back of my head that says I should just make the first move in the first place, because REALLY NOW, who is going to turn down being kissed? But I’m trying to tell that voice to be quiet, because it only makes me feel bad. A small step forward is still a step forward. Even if a big part of me wishes it were a bigger step forward. >.< On top of fear about people being disgusted is fear that if I don’t make a move, no one will ever make a move, and then I’ll either make people run away because they think I don’t like them, or my sex life will DIE. More dramatic than that. Say it with me. DIE.)

…that was a really long parenthetical tangent. And now I’m going to break more grammar rules and talk about it! I think that’s a big part of this — the concern that people will think I don’t like them/I’m not interested, and/or that my sex life will die if I don’t make the first move. It has happened before, and that’s part of the problem. Maybe, in this situation, I need to trust the other person? I mean, we’re both sort of stumbling around in the dark, making brave leaps and hoping we don’t get rejected. My feeling is that if I don’t make all the leaps, none will get made — but that’s just silly. Maybe I need to trust that the other person can read the situation, too, and will also act accordingly.

Hmm. That’s a better feeling, at least. A lot of pressure off me. It’s like a band released around my chest.

Mini-steps closer to letting go of issues, here. Micromovements are still movements.

(The funny thing is, once someone else initiates, I’m fine to play. But that means they have to initiate almost everything, and… I don’t want that. But I’m getting there.)

Okay. I learned some things tonight, which I’m going to sum up so I can remember them.

1. I need to trust myself, and that I’m reading the situation correctly.

2. I need to remember to use positive self-talk, not shame or harrass myself into things. Work from a place of love, as my happy-head books would say, not a place of fear. 😉

3. It’s not all up to me. My relationship isn’t going to fall apart if I don’t make the first move.

4. Trust the other person, that they’ll also be able to read the situation and they’ll be making some first moves, too. I don’t have to worry about doing all of them. There are two people here, and we’re both working toward this.

Ahh. Now my head feels better… but boy, my hand hurts. I’m off for the night. 😉



Nezuko says:

I was very impressed by how non-embarrassed you were about showing me your toys (and I’m delighted to hear the pink one, at least, worked out for you. *grin*)

Also yay for an awesome date! The first move problem is a rough one for everyone, I think. And I actually think my favorite solution to it is the archaic one that makes me feel like I’m living in some Roaring Twenties novel: asking. Looking at the person you want to kiss and asking, “May I kiss you?” It’s slightly courtly, and a little shy, and conveys your respect for the person you are hoping to kiss. Maybe that only works from the butch side of things, though, I don’t know. Though honest to god, if a woman I was interested in me asked me that, I’d melt on the spot.

I encourage all your bullet points, they are good ones. I think I might suggest a fifth: tell her you’re nervous/anxious/unsure about how to procede, if you get to that frozen up place. It might just be my take-the-bull-by-the-horns method of dealing with complexity coming through, but it seems to me that letting her know that you have this issue might open some doors and make things flow for you a little better. Actually this is probably the same tactic as asking permission to kiss.

Actually I”m probably a one trick pony, when you come right down to it.

Now if only I could meet someone I wanted to kiss, who wanted to kiss me.

JB says:

*laughs!* I wasn’t really non-embarrassed, I just pretended. ;-D But maybe if I pretend long enough… 😉

As it turned out, all my angst was unneeded. Q Made the first move like it was no big deal at all, and things went just fine from there. *grins* The problem, and reason I didn’t want to just say, “Hey, I have this issue,” is because I feel like that’s TMI for a second date. I mean, it’s something that will have to come up eventually, but if someone came to me and said, “I have this issue with sex,” my response would be, “Oh. Huh. I’m gonna head out, now.” I suppose that’s mean, but I don’t want to deal with it if I barely know them. I’d rather know her better before I start bringing issues into it. *wry smile*

But! It was all moot. HOORAY! Mmm, good date. 😀


I’m glad your back! I was thinking about you yesterday, hoping you were okay.

So exciting about your hot butch!! Teasing and flirting can be a “move” too, I think. It’s just a different KIND of move than just going for it, but if she’s at all intuitive, she’ll know what you’re up to 😉

Also, can I please have an ex-girlfriend who sends me big boxes of sex toys? Kthx.

ugh just noticed I did the whole “your” thing instead of “you’re” ughghghghgh!!! I never do that! gross. haha. oh well, just felt the need to correct that 😉

JB says:

Heyyyy, I like that thought — that teasing and flirting is also a move. I didn’t think about that, but you’re totally right! She seems pretty intuitive. At least, we had a lot of fun last night, and I didn’t have to worry about a thing. ;-D

EVERYONE needs an ex-girlfriend who sends them boxes of sex toys. It’s awesome. 😀


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