To The FemmeMobile! Away!

{March 1, 2010}   Because ‘femme’ totally means ‘I don’t know what I like’

You know what really annoys me? I mean REALLY? More than femme invisibility? More than being asked why don’t I just date a man? …actually, it might be on par with that.

I’m on dating sites. Four of them, if I recall correctly. There are plenty of lesbians on these dating sites, and I’m sure they’re just lovely people. However, I’m only attracted to butch women. If Angelina Jolie, the sex goddess herself, walked up to me tomorrow in her best Lara Croft outfit and asked me to go to bed with her, in all honesty… I’d have to say no. She just doesn’t do it for me. She’s all soft and squishy, even when she’s ripped with muscle and wearing non-feminine clothes. Something about her just screams “Feminine!”

Now, if she-sex incarnate doesn’t turn me on, there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that the average woman is going to do it. Because I respect that people put time and energy into contacting someone and opening themselves to rejection, I say on my profile (this line is pulled right from one of those sites):

I’m a vegetarian-active-dog-trainer-romance-novel-author-animal-crazy-butch-loving femme.

And then, in case they don’t get it, I elaborate. I mean, by the time it’s done, it’s pretty clear that I’m looking for a butch lesbian. In fact, I say it outright. And yet, you know what email I get more often than any other? (Made up for your convenience, and yet practically verbatim):

Hi! Well, I’m not butch, but I think you’re pretty cute and your profile made me laugh. You should give us other girls a try — I think you’ll find that we’re pretty cute, too! I may have long hair, but I like chivalry, and we have a lot in common! ๐Ÿ˜€

Sweetheart, you’re probably a doll. You’re probably a lovely person. You probably don’t have a clue that what you just said is about as offensive as me saying, “Hey, I know you think you like women, but I bet you just haven’t tried men! Go get yourself some cock, and then decide!”

I mean, really? Would you walk up to someone and tell them that they were probably just closed minded in who they were dating? That if they just tried some other people, they’d find they were all wrong about themselves, their tastes, and what they find attractive and they liked not x type, but y type? (If your answer is yes, slap yourself now. Re-read above re: cock. YES IT IS THE SAME, unless you have some serious extenuating circumstances.)

Plus, if I just finished saying I’m only interested in butch women, why in heaven’s name would you want to date me if you aren’t one?! It’s like setting yourself up for pain! “Well, I’m dating this girl who isn’t attracted to me, but she has a great sense of humor!” WHY?!

“I only like black men.”

“Hi! I’m a blond Norwiegian! Surely you’ll make an exception for me! You just haven’t tried, right?”

NO! PEOPLE! Let’s think about this for a moment! Really. I promise. I’m a big girl. I know what I’m attracted to. You are probably lovely, and I hope you find someone who thinks you’re incredible, but it’s not me. Stop trying to change my mind, okay? Okay.

Also, people are aware (okay, some people are aware) that telling, say, a lesbian she likes women because she just hasn’t met the right man is A Bad Thing To Say. So why is it okay to tell a lesbian she likes butch women because she just hasn’t met the right androgynous woman? WTF? Do butch women get this too? Is this just that any time you pick a category, other people will object, or is this a femme thing? I mean, seriously, I get this email a couple of times a week. I can’t imagine a butch who says “I like femme women” getting a similiar email, mostly because so many women — even lesbians — these days are feminine, so I’d guess it gets overlooked. But maybe I’m wrong! Or maybe butch women get a lot of emails from feminine women who aren’t femme and get annoyed because they can tell a difference. I dunno. Please, enlighten me.

In the meantime, I can blow off steam here so I don’t snap someone’s head off. ๐Ÿ˜‰



[…] 1 2010 2:41 pm JB at The FemmeMobile hit the nail on the head in this post, about her frustration with people who don’t take her clearly stated exclusive attraction to […]

Jen says:

Yeah, I know the feeling. I have my Geek 2 Geek profile, in which I explicitly stated I did not want anyone with baby mama/daddy issues . . .

And somehow, that’s precisely what I got, although we went three weeks before discovering that there was a baby mama . . . *sigh* Honestly, sometimes I wish I had more luck with women, because then I could maybe not have to worry about the woman having slept with someone the week before we met and subsequently finding out that the someone is pregnant . . .

Also, I keep getting stuff from anime fans. I’m pretty sure I also stated that I am NOT an anime fan, but noooo, I just need to watch more, obviously.

JB says:

LOL! Some day maybe people will start believing that we know what we’re talking about, at least when we’re talking about ourselves. ๐Ÿ˜‰


G says:

I’ve seen this happen before – not to me, but to friends. They weren’t taken seriously, and there was this pervasive attitude similar to “Well, you’re saying you want butch, but you’re not SERIOUS,” almost as if my friends could be brought to their senses. I think it’s insulting not only to insinuate that you don’t know what you want, but also to insinuate that what you want isn’t worth getting.

Some people, I swear.

JB says:

but also to insinuate that what you want isnโ€™t worth getting.

You know, I hadn’t even considered that aspect of it. *grins* Now I’ll be doubly peeved… *laughs*


sweetspice says:

It isn’t just femme – it happens everywhere. And they’re either feeling very superior or they lack the ability to read. Or maybe they’re just only reading the parts that they like. I do agree it’s very annoying and rude. And wasting their time as much as they are yours. Doesn’t matter what site, or what you’re looking for. 95% of the people just don’t pay attention as long as you are what they want.

JB says:

*laughs* Yeah, but it seems a bit different when it’s dealing with gender variance. I think Bond’s post on it — and the following comments — over at Dear Disporia hit the nail on the head. Though to be fair, it’s likely these people don’t realize they’re insulting gender variance as opposed to a preference of mine.

I have to remember, like you said, they like me. It’s that whole, “You’ll never know if you don’t ask,” so they’re asking. But it’s still annoying!


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