Touch and Go

Life has been a bit touch and go for me, here. I don’t know why, but there’s annoyance right there at the surface, and it keeps sort of… rising. Not in a “I’m so PISSY” sort of way, but in a, “…Alpha wolf is getting annoyed,” sort of way, which is both healthier for me and more dangerous for the folks around me. I notice it in the fact that I’m cursing more, that my warrior streak is sort of constantly right there under my skin, that I’m taking no shit at all from people of late. Which isn’t to say I’m being a bitch, but is to say that I’m awfully good at smiling and putting the smackdown.

I think it ties in with sex.

The more I play around with Q, the more she encourages and supports and pushes and just shows me how to have fun, the more I’m teasing and confident and reclaiming a part of myself I hadn’t realized was really that damaged.

Here’s what I’m finding amazing: it’s more than just sex. It’s more than being able to say, “Touch here, suck there, I want…” (which, uh, I still have problems saying BUT I’M GETTING THERE!). I’ve talked before about how being able to make people look at me is a power trip. What I hadn’t realized was that I was still hamstrung; I could make people look from a distance, but there was always a concern at the back of my mind. What if they took me up on the offer? Ohgod. I was always walking around with one stray thought paying attention to how I would get out of any particular sexual jam. (Such as, what if someone made a sexual comment? What if someone wanted to talk about their sex life and expected me to talk, too? OH NO THE HUMANITY.)

Now… I’m not. Or I am but much less — that’s probably more accurate. 😉 And it’s like I’ve dropped ten feet of anchor chain. Suddenly, I can stand up straight. I don’t have to remember to hold it up, it means I can take on things I couldn’t take on before because now I have the energy to do it. I’m not spending half my energy looking for an escape.

I used to think to myself that, when I got over this sexual thing, I couldn’t wait to meet myself. Well, I’m meeting myself, and I like me. My edges are sharper than they need to be, but that’s okay. I’ll re-learn how to be a slightly more gentle person, but now I have the strength to continue to back myself.

It’s not all there, by any means. But — wow. I have the distinct feeling that I don’t have to take shit from anyone, and it makes me feel slightly invincible.I am becoming the force to be reckoned with I always suspected I’d be. It’s a little terrifying. Time to work on developing some extra compassion so I don’t just bowl people over. 😉

In only slightly related news, Bond mentioned a strap-on in passing, which made me think of sex. Actually, everything makes me think of sex.

DK: So, I got my hair cut the other day–

Me: Hmm. Q’s hair is too short to grab during SEX.

Nezu: You want to get together Friday?

Me: Friday. What am I doing Friday? I dunno but Thursday I’m having SEX. Last Friday I think I was having SEX, too.

G: So, Swoon List–

Me: Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex

Bobby Da Bird: Chirp!

Me: Ha ha ha ha, he totally wolf-whistled at Q’s ass the other day in the middle of SEX, which made her laugh really hard. Oh, man. That sex was really great.

Even in the middle of sex. Q: What are you thinking about?

Me: …I was just mentally gloating over my awesome sex with a really hot butch. >.>

Okay, so granted, I think about sex on a regular basis anyway. But these days I’m constantly horny, due in no small part to the fact that Q keeps calling and texting me and saying things that make me horny. Which — oh, man. We keep talking about sex stuff. Not only the sex we’re having, but the different things we like and ways we look at it.  (Under the cut? More SEX!)

We talk about things that had never even occurred to me. Things like… like I know other people want something during sex. Like, people like to fondle breasts or slap asses or bite collarbones. I don’t tend to have those kinds of desires, and frankly, I just figured I was weird. Q likes to talk about this stuff, and the fact that I don’t talk about it both amuses and intrigues her, I suspect. So she asks and questions and makes me think and gives me new ways to look at things (all for the good!).

She was the one who, after a beat of silence when I was going, “But I just don’t have the urge to grab something!” asked, “Do you watch porn?” Yes, I admitted I did. “Don’t you ever think — you’re bi, right? — don’t you ever think something like, “Damn! I want to grab that cock!”” Me: *dies of laughter* “No, not really.” Q: “…Do you ever think, “Damn! I want to be fucked by that cock!””

You know, it had never occurred to me that wanting something to be done to me was the flip side of wanting to do something. I mean, I recognized that people wanted things done to them. I just figured I was missing the bit where I wanted to do something, but my form of wanting to do something isn’t, “I want to grab that,” but rather, “I want to feel that against me.”

Q also has a fantastic knack for introducing me to new things without making me feel like a twit for not knowing it in the first place — even when it has to do with my own body. She has a tendency to take everything in stride as if none of it is odd, weird, or unusual, and that’s pretty great, too. It’s teaching me how to just accept and move forward, and stay light and easy about things.

You know what? At some point I want to write something graphic enough to make her go cross eyed and then send it to her. I’m not quite there, yet, but it’s lodged itself in my brain and I’m totally going to do it. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Q also does the same thing DK did, which was to recognize and acknowledge my forward leaps, so that is extremely awesome. It also ads a desire to leap forward, not only because I know it will help me, but because there’s a PRIZE every time I do. It makes me feel sexy, slinky, and all pleased with myself. 😉 I mean, I’m actually focusing on things I want to do (“I want to get confident enough to whisper really dirty things in her ear. In public. Where she can just stew about it for a while, MWAHAHAHAHA”) rather than things I need to get over (“I need to get over this fear of talking about sex”). Focusing on what you want is always a faster, healthier way to move forward. Before, I was so stressed about it all that I couldn’t focus on what I wanted — it was all too loaded with shame.

Also, holy crap, the sex is pretty much mind blowing. Seriously. I’ve stopped using my old fantasies for masturbation because the new reality is so much better. I’m even having orgasms! \o/

And now we’re verging on information You Don’t Need To Know. So I think I’ll hush up, now. Possibly go read a book. It’ll likely make me think about SEX.

J