To The FemmeMobile! Away!

{May 5, 2010}   I have a serious talent for self-castigation.

More talk about my sex life. 😉

Q came back after 5 days in CO (I missed her way  more than I expected to; it was a little odd, and I’m glad she’s nearby again!), so yesterday I picked her up from the airport and took her back to her place. I’d packed minute wear (you know — the kind of thing you only wear for a minute before it gets torn off, but that minute is awesome?) and my High Heels Of Fabulousness, and I managed to sneak into the bathroom, all subtle-like, and get it on. This was nerve wracking for me, because even though I was 95% sure that Q would be like, “!!!”, I wasn’t 100% sure. Especially with all my inner voices flailing at me that it was silly and stupid and what if she wasn’t in the mood and so on and so forth.

Well, her reaction was spectacular, and I eventually stopped shaking (I was shaking so hard even Q noticed and was like, “Is that the heels or nerves?” to which I said both. True; I’d have been shaking anyway, but 4 inch heels didn’t help matters!), and then there was incredibly awesome sex. Mmm. Sex.

I’m not orgasming, again. Q said at one point, “you must be really frustrated,” — this after I’d almost come 3 times, and hadn’t — and it’s true, I am frustrated. But not sexually frustrated; more just frustrated with myself. I can come up with all sorts of excuses as to why I’m not in the right headspace (I was tired, I’d been nervous about the outfit, she’s been gone for 5 days and I was re-acclimating to another person, I’m about to start my period which is never a good time for ogasming), but I can always come up with an excuse, and there will never be a time when everything is totally perfect.

If I self-monitor my thoughts as we’re having sex, it goes something like this:

[I’m in the moment, in the moment, in the moment, about to come–] am I going to come? what if I don’t? what will I say? maybe I’ll say, ‘it’s just not going to happen,’ and then Q will say, ‘okay, that’s okay,’ and then we’ll stop. but I’m kind of enjoying just the feeling, I don’t really want to stop. but she needs to get up early, so I should really give her the option. what if she’s sad because I didn’t come? what if she gets tired and feels bad for getting tired? then I should really come, but i’d better hurry up and do it because she has to be up early and she’s had a long day and SHIT now the orgasm’s gone because I was in my head again. Damn it, Jenna! Stop that! Just focus on the feelings or a fantasy or something, but seriously, knock it off with the making up trouble!

This happened 4 times in all, over the course of the night.

Now, I know that the solution is to enjoy the sex for the sex and not worry about coming — that’s when things got better before — but somehow I’m losing the ability to do that, again. Despite the fact that I know a lot of women have this problem (if in slightly different ways), I feel like there’s something wrong with me if I don’t orgasm. It’s part of what’s triggering all the anxiety, really, and the fix — to decide it’s no big deal whether I do or not, which will remove the anxiety and therefore the barriers — is almost impossible when I’ m feeling anxious. It’s a catch-22.

My perfectionist streak isn’t helping, and it’s worse since that talk with my mom. Suddenly, improvement isn’t good enough — if it’s not 100% improvement right off the bat, I’m not good enough, and I am a failure. So rather than think, “Hey, I re-routed my thoughts when I started to orgasm, but that’s okay — this time it was only as the orgasm started, rather than the whole time. That’s improvement!” I think, “I re-routed my thoughts when I started to orgasm, and I’m trying not to, therefore I failed, I’m stupid, and I will never ever ever be able to solve this. Also, I’ve put Q out and she’ll be sad that I didn’t come*, therefore I’ve failed her, too.” This is, uh, not conducive to anything healthy.

I’m at that point where I think, I don’t know what to do, even though I know exactly what to do: I just don’t want to do it, because it’s hard and not quick. (I need to stop worrying about it and find a way not to be anxious. This is not easy. It takes self-discipline and work and cutting myself some slack when I don’t do it perfectly right off the bat. So, basically, it means re-organizing my entire way of being. I’ve been working on that for years, so at least I have a head start…)

On the other hand, sex even without orgasming was awesome. It’s also nice just to be around Q again, and the minutewear was a big hit. 😀 And we’re going to a fancy dinner and play tomorrow night, so I get to get all femmed up once more! WOO HOO! And, though I keep expecting Q (and myself… because I do. >.>) to get tired of all my weird sex-issues, she continues to be unflustered, so that helps. And sex last night was awesome and made me feel good. I should probably focus on that. Okay: homework for myself. I think maybe I’ll post about the awesome sex for every post I have about sex-frustration. That way I’ll start focusing on the good parts instead of the parts where I’m frustrated, and maybe it’ll make a difference? Worth a shot! Even if that does mean going into more detail and I get vaguely embarrassed just thinking about it… *laughs* Still, I can put it behind a cut, and then at least I’ll know whoever clicks on it will know what they’re getting into, anyway, instead of thinking I’m bothering people with this stuff. 😉

YAY! I’m glad Q’s back. 😀

*This isn’t true, or rather, she’s sometimes bummed that she couldn’t last as long as needed and she worries that she’ll stop when I’m about to come. I said last night I was worrying about her, and she said not to; she isn’t distressed that I’m not coming, just that she wants to make sure I’m not on the edge before she stops.


yondergen says:

Hey, would it be appropriate to offer some advice?

JB says:

Offer away! I’m generally pretty good at self-analyzing and putting things into effect, but this is just teeth-grindingly frustrating.


Nezu says:

One of the best sexual experiences I ever had was one where neither I nor my girlfriend had orgasms. I think it’s easy to assume that sex is a goal-oriented activity and that if you don’t have orgasms, you have failed at sex. But sex isn’t orgasm, that’s why there are two different words, right? That experience, long ago with my first serious girlfriend, went on for hours and was exhausting in the good way, and just soul-renewing and deeply pleasurable. We both surfed the edge of orgasm for hours and neither one of us ever got there. We eventually just drifted off to sleep all cuddled up together.

You’re describing it as good sex. Enjoyable sex. I think that’s a big step for you. You’re enjoying the sex, which was part of your anxiety before, right? So even though you’re not there yet on being able to relax enough to orgasm, you’re experiencing pleasure with Q, pleasure from your body being touched.

I think your plan to blog about the good stuff is excellent. Reinforcing the positive is a sound method of bringing about change like you’re talking about. And yay for Q being okay with things. I can totally see how hard that would be to trust from your side, I know I’d be as anxious as you are. *hugs* And yay for you for the heals and sexy outfit bravery. You really are making a lot of progress, even if you think you’re backsliding.

JB says:

Yeah. Q was pointing that out to me today, too. So I’ll definitely write it down, if only so I can have something to look at when I think I’m backsliding. Ha! I tell my clients to do the same thing with particularly troubled dogs, and certain problems that tend to be two-steps-forward-one-step-back… 😉


Q says:

Just to put this out there, because I like to push your boundaries and make you blush. That is, after all, why you initially started seeing me, right? *You’re a fantastic lay!* Really, you are. I wouldn’t still be sleeping with you if you weren’t, despite your winning personality. I don’t believe that sex can be measured on a perfectionist scale. There is no “perfect” sex — at least, not in my world. There’s awesome sex; great sex; mind-blowing sex; flexible, bendy, oh-my-god-how’d-I-get-into-this-position sex; even bad sex (sadly). Sex is different every time, I think, which is what makes it so enjoyable. Nezu is right…enjoy it for what it is. Body pleasure, soul replenishment, emotional comfort (which requires trust, but you’re doing really good there), stress release, etc. The goal is the pleasure experienced, or the intimacy, or the companionship, but not the climax. Climax is sometimes a bonus, but it doesn’t always happen for me either. But I can still enjoy you 100% and go to bed completely sated without coming. And THAT is good sex, and it’s why you’re such a great lay. So stop stressing over it. Just come over, let me have my way with you, and go to bed happy. You can even be the big spoon if you’d like. 🙂

JB says:

*cracks UP* Every time I re-read this I feel a bit like, “Aw, shucks…” 😉


G says:

Not that I’m any kind of expert … but I have a couple of observations with which you can do what you’d like.

This statement (and maybe overall mentality? Just throwing that out there) – “I need to stop worrying about it and find a way not to be anxious” – is just putting more pressure on the situation which is not going to help you, you know?

When you think about what you want/need out of sex, what is it? Is it not to worry, as you said? Or have an orgasm? Or have a pleasurable experience? Because it sounds like you’re really attached to the orgasm part of it, so if/when that doesn’t happen, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Orgasms are fucking awesome, but the reality is that they don’t happen all the time (damn it!).

And I know this part will sound clinical or whatever, but to prevent that backsliding you talked about, maybe try picking out some smaller sexy time goals outside of orgasm. What are some of your favorite things to do or have done to you? Even though it seems small, experiencing that stuff without focusing on the orgasm will help mentally and emotionally.

Sorry for the novel! Q sounds awesome, from what you’ve said and from what she’s commented here and there. You’re in good hands (heh), so have a good time!

JB says:

You know, Q called me up a little while back and said, “Did you see what G posted? Because G HAS A GOOD POINT.” (Okay, she didn’t speak in caps because Q never speaks in caps, but they were practically there anyway. *laughs*)

Thank you for the novel. I think you’ve made a good point here — several — part of which is that it’s easier to focus on doing something (have smaller goals and focus on what I like) than not doing something (don’t get anxious). *laughs* Interestingly, as I sit here pondering things, I suspect part of the reason I’ve been focused on orgasm is because it means I don’t have to focus on anything else, really. Trying to think about other things is stressful! But now I have something new to consider. 😉


G says:

If I had my druthers (I sound like my mom when I say that!), I’d take the word “focus” out of there altogether. It’s too intense! Just experience and feel.

And what Q said – sounds like you have a GREAT sex life. Fist bump, Q.

If it makes you feel better, when my girlfriend and I first started fucking, neither one of us came for about 3 months. Things are different now, but when we look back over that period, we have zero explanations for why we couldn’t, and a million reasons why it was great anyway. Just letting you know that others have been through this before. What G said: don’t stress.

JB says:

Thank you; it does help. I think I have this idea that everyone else in the world has excellent sex lives, or at least come on a regular basis. It’s helpful to hear otherwise. 😉


Q says:

For the record, you currently have a FANTASTIC sex life. I’m happy to be a part of it. That means my sex life is pretty damn fantastic too. Thanks for that.

JB says:

ROTFLOL! Um, anytime. Totally self-sacrificing there. Just doing it for you. ;-D


Q says:

G: thanks for the fist bump (hell yeah!!); should we ever meet in person, maybe we can be uber macho and bump chests ;-D

JB: I know it’s a sacrifice. Talk about taking one for the team. I love that you’re such a team player. Must be rough, but you’re so so good at it.

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