To The FemmeMobile! Away!











{May 18, 2010}   All modesty aside…

You know what I said I’d do? I said I’d blog about what I’m doing better in regards to sex, rather than emo about it. So. Okay. Here we go… 😀

So the other day, Q came down when I was an emotional wreck (like, wow) and we snuggled on the couch and then had sleepy-snuggly-no-stress-don’t-worry-about-orgasm sex. It was awesome! One of the things Q said to me even before we started was that I didn’t have to take the reins at all (this is the big thing I’m working on, and it’s sometimes — most times — quite stressful for me to say, “I want x.” One day weeks and weeks ago I told her I was too stressed to push any boundaries, and all I really wanted was not to have to take the reins AT ALL. Apparently she remembered. :D), which I seriously appreciated.

But then as we were making out and later having sex, I realized I was still talking — even just ‘that feels good,’ and ‘I love x,y, and z,” and I thought, “Huh. This is no big deal, almost automatic, and yet a month ago it would have sent me halfway into a panic to say these things. I’d have had to screw up my courage and really work at it first.” So, YAY! Look at me, I can vocalize even when I’m stressed out of my  mind and feeling kinda pitiful, and it doesn’t make me feel stressed at all! 😀

And then, a couple of times over the last week, I’ve caught myself being much more assertive in ways I would have been worried about before. I even did say a few things that I wanted, in a “I want to do x to you,” format, and while I did feel a little pink-cheeked, I didn’t feel anxious about it!  (One of my biggest concerns is that I’ll want to do something, and the person I’m with will let me not because they like it, but because they want me to be happy. If it’s something they’re ambivalent about that’s sort of okay, but if it’s something they’re unsure about it’s really a turn off. I end up feeling more like a violator than anything. If they’re interested, well, that’s hot. *grins*)

Oh, man. This is really hard! *laughs* I’ve gotten better at saying what I’m struggling with, but saying what I’m doing well is sort of akin to saying what I like, which is where one of my triggers lies.

Oh! But I did say “I want you to do x,” a few times, and didn’t panic about it at all! YAY! I think maybe that’ll be my shorter-term goal, to be able to say “I want x,” if it’s something we do anyway. I have to put that caveat in there, because I’m trying not to drive myself too hard and create more stress, see. So if I start doing it with something Q and I do frequently, then I know on an emotional level there’s no judgment there, and it’ll help me keep from stressing out (even though I know on a mental level that there’s no judgment about anything. Q’s good about that.). If I decide to start saying I want things that we haven’t done frequently, well, there’re too many triggers to deal with. Smaller steps.

But! I’m really pleased at being able to be a little more assertive and not freaking. Enjoying it, in fact! Mostly I like pretending like I can pin Q down and have my way with her. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *grins* (Dudes, she got the funniest look on her face the other day when I did that. I actually paused for a moment, wondering if I was about to get flipped and pinned in turn, but she didn’t, and I had my way with her instead. God, it was hilarious!)

I’m also really pleased that it’s no longer so stressful to be a little more vocal and, uh, graphic in what feels good at the moment. (Though I do occasionally have this yammering voice in the back of my head that goes, “OMG! You’re a writer; surely you can be more creative!” and then I go, “shut up, voice! Just for that I’m going to go with tried and true, HA!” Nokidding.) And I’ve been much more assertive in starting making out. I mean, Q’s sex drive is even higher than mine, so most of the time she starts because I’m like, “Hmmm, I’m kinda horny… oh look, Q is, too!” or, “La la la la la movie! Oh, hey, I’m getting felt up. Mmm, I think I’ll feel up back. What a great idea this was!” But on those occasions when I’d like to feel her up or start something and she hasn’t, I TOTALLY HAVE BEEN. (OMG, she has the best feeling skin. It’s smooth skin over muscles or the occasional curve. IT’S TOTALLY HOT and it’s probably a good thing she’s not a man, because if she went around shirtless I’d spent all the time petting her, and I practically already spend all the time petting her ANYWAY, especially if I can get my hands under her shirt at her waist… >.>)

God. You know what? I really like sex. :DDD

J

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I’m so proud of you… our little sex-pot is all grown up *sniff sniff*



JB says:

*dies laughing!* Well, at least I’m getting there… ;-D I’m still waiting on those lesbian sex therapy videos! *laughs!*

J



Jen says:

Oh my gosh, JB, I am so having performance anxiety problems right now. I caught myself thinking last night (well . . . technically at 5 a.m. today) “Am I even kissing him right? Is he enjoying this? Brain, STFU, just relax and don’t stress . . .”

Evidently, I did just fine. There was a lot of adorkable giggling and a vague discussion on my performance anxiety as it relates to how long it’s been since I’ve kissed anyone. And then I come here and you’re doing fine and I’m like, “You know what? I’ll be okay.”

🙂



JB says:

*dances!* You know what? I’m so glad to hear that this is helping someone else, too, even if it’s just in a neither-of-us-is-alone way. Even better that it’s in a look-she-can-do-better-we’ll-be-just-fine way! *hugs!* We’ll totally be okay. 😉

J



Jen says:

Well, turns out my performance anxiety kind of dissipated last night . . .

It was good. Very good. My brain finally settled back into that “You don’t HAVE to have an orgasm, this is just good” mode. I did come pretty close . . . *sigh* but I didn’t overthink it. I discovered that it’s kind of hard to overthink things when someone’s hands are working so hard that you’re having weak-kneed issues . . .



[…] I love your chest.” “Can I fondle your chest?”) sometimes it doesn’t. The other day I used “curves,” which, even as I typed it, felt wrong. (Especially since, unbound and […]



Can I just say I LOVE THESE POSTS? I have been very light on commenting on blogs in general lately, and probably will be until my life settles down shortly — but I just love your posts about sex and getting over your hurdles. I’ve been through a lot of the same sort of stuff. Wish I’d had your blog to read then!



JB says:

Thank you so much! It really means a lot to me that they help other people, too. Otherwise it seems like a lot of work for less pay off… *I* get better, but I could do that without making it public, too. 😉 (And you may have gotten over these issues, but the fact that you would have liked to read it back then gives me hope that the people who could use it now will find it!)

J



joliesse says:

Oh, yeah, what alphafemme said.

I go through cycles of being more and less comfortable with what I like, how it works for me… and I absolutely get completely hung up in my own head over the whole issue. I’m so much better now than I used to be, but damn, I wish I’d had you to read when it first started!

Love your writing, am borrowing your Butch Bodies idea for a post of my own, and am adding you to my blogroll, if you don’t mind. Can’t begin to imagine why I haven’t found you before now.



JB says:

Thank you so much! It really helps to know that these might help people who are dealing with the same stuff!

*grins* Add away! I’ll have to go check out your version of butch bodies, now. 😀

J



JB says:

Jen — THAT is awesome! Now I just need to learn how to do that, myself. *laughs* Going weak kneed doesn’t seem to help me. My neuroses are too powerful. ;-D

J



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