To The FemmeMobile! Away!











{June 10, 2010}   Sexcapades!

Fun stuff and thinky stuff behind the ‘read more.’ 😀

Yesterday, I went to Q’s. We played hooky from work, and had a relaxing day. It was awesome. 😀

We also had sex for three and a half hours. Holy crap. I’m sore. *grins* (Q says she’s not taking all the blame for that, as I did play water hockey on Sunday. And, well, most of the soreness is probably from that. But I’m sure I’d feel better now if it weren’t for marathon sex… ;-D)

Some things happened that I thought were hilarious, that I’ll pass on to you. At one point, after we’d been going for like, two and a half hours (and let’s be honest, Q does most of the work), and Q had been in this totally contorted position for a little while (which was really hot, especially looking in the mirror which I could do and see everything she was doing to me, omg), she flopped back panting and said, “I have to go to the g ym.”

Me: “…so you can keep up with our sex life?”

Q: “*laughs!* Yes. So I can keep up with our sex life!”

I cracked up. *grins* She also claims to be a sexual sprinter (a quarter horse instead of a thoroughbred, she told me once), which I had to disagree with yesterday. I mean — THREE AND A HALF HOURS. I don’t know how things went from there, but at some point she told me she’d rather be a mustang. At which point, of course, there was much neighing and cracking up. *grins*

Oh gosh, and once we were fucking, and Q pauses to listen to the song playing.

Q: Should I thrust to the beat or off-time?
Me: *dies* To the beat. Definitely.
Q: *laughingly, does so!*

A minute later this voice comes on to the beat: “Push push push push.” We both KILLED ourselves laughing.

Much later found us collapsed on the couch watching Two Weeks Notice (and killing ourselves laughing at Sandra Bullock’s twisty-pretzel-bobcat sex) and me with an, uh, ice pack. Between my legs. THREE AND A HALF HOURS, okay? *amused*

And Q’s been awesome lately about pointing out where I’ve improved. And you know, I had a moment of that same creepy old panic the other day — and in having that moment, realized I haven’t had one in a long time! And that moment passed so quickly, I’m not even sure I can count it as a real panic. It was there, and I thought, “Wait, why are you panicking?” And something in the back of my head went, “Ummm… I dunno. >.>” And stopped!

And this, I posted a version of this on my personal journal in talking about honesty, but I think it needs to go here, too. 😀

There have been other things that I’ve had to be honest about, lately. Things I don’t tend to talk about here, but I will briefly. There are things about sex that make me panic. Not because I was ever physically traumatized, but something emotional creates a panic and lockdown in my head. I’ve been working on this over the last few months. It’s hard, because not only am I unable to communicate why I’m panicking, but most of the time I’m ashamed that I’m panicking at all. I’ve had to learn to be honest. If I start to panic in sex, I’ve learned to say, “I’m panicking.” Most of the time I can take a breath and work through enough of it to be able to say what I’m nervous/anxious about, but when I can’t — when panic has really and truly locked down my ability to think or speak — I’ve just said, “I’m panicking.” It’s hard as hell to admit to. It feels like failure, it makes me ashamed, I feel stupid and silly. The things I panic about are things like saying, “I want to try french kissing.” MILD things. But in saying, “I’m panicking,” Q knows what’s going on, and we can find a way to deal with it that doesn’t just lead me to more self-castigation and hatred. And you know what? Things are better. Things are SO MUCH better. I almost never panic anymore. I’m having fun. I don’t always quite say what I want to say, but I do now about 70% of the time — versus never. There are still things that make me embarrassed, but now it’s a healthy sort of embarrassment — the kind you can just laugh off, no big deal.

You see that? 70% of the time! I had something yesterday I wanted to try, and I didn’t quite manage to suggest it. But thinking about suggesting it two months ago would have made me panic! Last night I didn’t suggest it, but I didn’t panic, either. (And I did suggest part of it, which we started to do, but then got distracted with something much better so that was perfectly fine. *grins*) And I’ve gotten so much better at vocalizing and requesting things! I can actually say, “I want your tongue on my clit,” without fainting (see, I couldn’t even TYPE that before!) and make mini-demands like “Faster” or “harder” or “gentler” or whatever! Which I also had a really hard time with before.

Sex yesterday was awesome. It was fun, and sometimes funny, and sometimes demanding and sexy and hot and wild and even sometimes gentle and slow. I feel very tuckered out. *grins* And I’m not going to see Q again until Saturday, which is a good thing but I also wish I were seeing her sooner. >.> Still, I have to work lots the next few days, so I’m sure the time will fly by. And speaking of work, I really need to go vacuum.

>.>
<.<

Sex was so awesome. It’s just getting better. And you know, I always suspected that deep inside me there was a totally sexual, little bit wild and kinky sex fiend, and I think I was totally right. It also turns out that the things I fantasized about, things that in the cold light of day I thought would be uncomfortable or gross or just not good? VERY HOT. Looks like my subconscious knows what I will like before I do. (Or I’ve fantasized about them so often that the mental turn-on is huge, which is also possible!)

And today on the phone Q pointed out that we’re figuring out my body! I hadn’t even realized it, but I’ve been orgasming semi-regularly again. It takes some time, and it takes more sensation than I would have guessed, and we’ve figured out that if we’ve had sex for a while then I actually need less sensation/distraction but if we’ve just started I need more. And Q has been worrying less about stopping even if I haven’t come, which makes me feel more like it’s no big deal, which makes me relax and enjoy it, which makes me come more. *amused* So circular.

But it’s kind of fun to actually have a glimmer of what to expect from my body. It feels less like an alien creature and more like home. 😉

J

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EL says:

Reading your blog is making me feel so much better. I’ve been trying to figure myself out for about two years now and I too think that I may be what you call “butchsexual”. I’m hardly ever attracted to men and I’m not attracted to just any woman… she usually has to be butch. I’ve gone through month long periods of thinking I was asexual due to my very specific attraction. The anecdote you shared in another entry about Q’s sexual attraction to a dozen women in the room versus your complete lack of attraction really struck a chord with me. I’ve experienced that exact situation before. I’ll be hanging out with some lesbian friends who love to talk about all the girls they’re attracted to and I’ll have a hard time thinking of one. It makes me think that there’s something wrong with me!

Also, the fact that you found someone that works with you through your nervousness and your panicking in sex gives me so much hope. I too panic and get really nervous in sexual situations. I’m so afraid I’m going to do something wrong or “perform badly”. I can never fully let go and enjoy it, and how enjoyable can that be for the other person? I also can’t fully express myself verbally. Sometimes saying things that I want to say just feels weird and uncomfortable and wrong. And I’m so ASHAMED of the panic that I don’t want to admit to it. I just feel like any normal person wouldn’t panic, so my panicking must mean that there is something wrong with me. Knowing that you feel all these things to makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER. It means that I’m not some weird person who will never ever enjoy sex.



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