To The FemmeMobile! Away!

{July 17, 2010}   Butchsexual.

So, wow, things are happening and I’m not even sure where to begin.

In that last protected post, I talked about internalized misogyny — the dislike of women, the belief that women aren’t as good, the feeling of women being unclean. I’ve known I’ve struggled with this for some time. Heck, I was a teenager when I first became aware of what I was feeling. Do I want to talk about this? I’m not even sure. I’m not even sure it’s something I really have anything to say about, except that it’s there. I can point to a few causes that probably add up together, but that doesn’t help me solve it. It’s gotten better over the years, and it’s much better right now, though I am my own worst enemy (I push myself way too hard, add stress on stress, and then it just gets worse instead of better — but I’ve had some awesome discussions with Q, due to my protected post, and that’s easing off, too). Do I need to talk about this right now? I don’t know. Do other people struggle with this? With the female body being icky or whatever? It seems like most lesbians I talk to love love love the female body, and it’s part of what made me second-guess my own sexuality for so long. If I didn’t like it, surely I couldn’t like women, right? Is this really unusual, or do people just not talk about it?

I was watching porn with Q the other day (I BOUGHT PORN. Well, she bought porn, but I went into the adult shop! And had an opinion! And the ground didn’t swallow me up! And the lady at the counter liked my hair!) and I thought, “Hmm, this would be so much hotter if one of those people was butch.” It was like a mini-epiphany, even though I’ve known it for a while.

We were watching gay porn, with hot guys, and I STILL wanted one of them to be butch. I’m still not in the least attracted to feminine women, though I can easily acknowledge that some of them are quite pretty. It’s just not my thing. And honestly, I haven’t been attracted to a guy in months, now. And before that one guy, it had been months again.

My mini-epiphany? Was just that I really like butch women. I’m butchsexual. I don’t like other women, I apparently don’t like guys. No wonder I had such a hard time figuring myself out.

Geez. I’m not sure any of this is really more than blathering, at the moment. I’m exhausted, I’ve been doing promo ops for my new book, working on a column for Geeking Out About…, dog training at twice the levels I usually do, not particularly sleeping well, and being very, very stressed. It’s all piling up, so now the little things are seeming like big things, and I have no time for blogging, and when I do have a minute I forget what I was going to blog about. >.< Some day I’ll have a chance to go through my drafts and put something thoughtful up. Some day. >.>



Jolie says:

I like this a lot. Butchsexual.

Mind if I borrow the concept for a post of my own?

It sounds like you’re doing good work for yourself. It’s hard, I know, but it’s worth doing!

JB says:

*laughs* Go for it. 🙂


Jolie says:

I did! 😉

I’m so excited… *lol* I’m only half kidding, too. I get completely geeked out when I get a new word. It’s a character flaw.

JB says:

*grins* I love it! 😀 And it inspired my own post, which you’ve now seen. *laughs*


G says:

Butchsexual! I like it. But then, I am kind of biased.

Would that make me femmesexual? Hmmm.

JB says:

*grins* It’s a good sort of bias, though. 😉

*laughs!* Are you only attracted to femmes? Then I think so! ;-D


[…] started this whole butchsexual thing, and then kept it going, which then kept me going… *sigh* It’s a vicious, femme-y […]

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