To The FemmeMobile! Away!

{December 1, 2010}   Sexual growth — slowly, slowly

Hi, everyone!

I’m not sure where to start. Talking about my sex life is still difficult, even in a situation like this where I’m not talking about sex, specifically, but my attitudes toward it and the dynamic between Q and I.

I’m pleased to say that things are going well. I’m talking and expressing myself even in the moment, and I while I’ve been embarrassed a time or two, I can’t remember the last time I panicked and froze up. πŸ˜€ Q is awesome, thanking me when I express myself to say I don’t want to do something, because then she knows that when I do do something, it’s because I want to. πŸ™‚ The hardest things are still for me to say I’m not in the mood without feeling guilt (ha, most of the time we’re agreed on that, though!) and suggesting something new-for-the-moment (ie, shifting positions, whether or not we’ve done that position before).Β  BUT! I’m getting better. Much, much better. πŸ™‚

What I find is really awesome, though, and the reason I started writing this, is that Q and I seem to be at about the same levels. I’m not saying this well, but bear with me.

When we first started making out and I was struggling with girl bodies, she was just learning to trust me and didn’t want me playing with her girl body. By the time I was relaxing and becoming more confident (or at least curious!), she was starting to trust me. We moved into that space at about the same time, really.

It’s happened throughout our NMDS (that would be our Non-Monogamous Dating Situation *laughs*), up to and including the other day, when I woke up ready to play and she was still sleepy. I woke her and took charge, and had the confidence to do so, and she trusts me now enough to stay lazy and sleepy and let me be in charge.

I did have one moment where I wavered, but Q realized it and made little encouraging noises, so I knew she was interested. πŸ™‚ (I have had way too many people be uninterested or interested but not show it, so now I’m a little gunshy.) (Ha, who am I kidding? I started out gunshy; it’s amazing I try at all! And probably says something about the strength of my libido!)

There’s a new snag for me, which is that I can’t quite bring myself to suggest any other forms of sex. Um. I’m totally going to cut this now, to give myself the illusion that people who don’t care won’t read it…

So, for instance, I’d like to suggest… oh shit! Geez, it’s even hard to write it! Something we did once but never again, but I had a lot of fun. We used my dog leashes, because they’re supple leather and probably the softest thing I had on hand. >.> And the other day she was all, “Maybe I should buy some handcuffs…” Oh gosh! I think this is a great idea. πŸ˜€ But I couldn’t say that right then, I got way too embarrassed. Not panicked embarrassed (though I think that might have followed, if she’d pushed), but just embarrassed. Even though she’d suggested it, and so I know there’d REALLY be no horror in my wanting to try, I still couldn’t even say, “Yes, do that.” I can tell I’m getting comfortable at least thinking about saying it — see, I was able to type it! — and the fact that it’s only alternative sexual practices that I’m balking at talking about now is great. Still, I get frustrated at myself for being unable to say it and at least give her some idea of whether I like the idea or not! (…Of course, she reads my blog. I’m trying not to think about that just now. I’d actually like to screw up the courage to talk to her rather than have her read it here, but… well, I don’t know how long that will be, and it’ll happen faster if I blog about it! So blogging I am. :))

I do know that once in a while, when she asks me a direct question and all I have to do is say yes or no, I can do that — as long as I don’t have to elaborate! Maybe I should tell her that… ;-D It’ll be like playing 20 questions, only sexual. *snerks*



Jen says:

Handcuffs is fun. πŸ™‚ Failing handcuffs, a sturdy necktie will do. πŸ˜‰

Q says:

wrist restraints of some fashion: check!
sex discussions 101 made easy: check!
little encouraging noises: check!

We’re all set Bobcat.

Q says:

I’d also like to point out that you *did* muster the courage to talk to me before I read your blog. There was still some guessing on my end, and a lot of blushing on your end, but you got it verbalized nonetheless. That’s fantastic!! And you didn’t die of embarrassment as I read your blog while you were with me. Granted, you did have me read it in another room, but still. Major progress. Super kudos to you. I like how we communicate. The guessing makes it kind of fun for me, and so does your blushing. It makes things playful and not so serious. I like that about our NMDS.

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