To The FemmeMobile! Away!











So, my cousin posted this thing on Facebook.

Wait, back up. You should know that both sides of my family are socially and religiously conservative. That one set of cousins (as in, the children of one particular aunt) has broken with the family conservative-Catholic beliefs to say, “Actually, maybe teh gays aren’t all that bad. In fact, they might not even be ‘teh gays’ but be actual people. WE SHALL TREAT THEM THUSLY.” A few of the others simply are loving and I don’t actually know where they stand on religious-political issues, but they do talk to me about my life and ask me with big beaming smiles about Quin, so I have no problem with them. (This is a little contrary to what I’m about to say. I’m still puzzling it out.)

But. There are another set of cousins that are really anti-gay marriage. They post anti-gay marriage things on Facebook periodically. Mostly they’re consumed with pro-life stuff, so the gay marriage stuff doesn’t come up so often, but now and then…

One of these cousins posted some speech the Pope gave with the comment, “Thank you Pope Benedict!” The speech was, in part, a reaction to the school shooting. The title (which pretty much captured the story) was “Pope Says: True Peace in the World Requires the End of Abortion and Gay “Marriage”.”

Because clearly abortions and gay marriage were on that guy’s mind when he shot all those kids.  */snark*

Anyway, it wasn’t the Pope’s statement that bothered me — I know the Catholic stance on both those things — it was my cousin’s sharing it with the comment, “Thank you Pope Benedict!” It was her making that statement despite knowing I’m gay and in a long-term relationship.

I wasn’t sure what to say. Whether to let it slide as her opinion she’s entitled to, or whether to step forward. That’s a hard line for me to see, the difference between opinion and bullying, and worse, she’s family. I don’t want to create family fights.

I very nearly said nothing. My mom raised us while keeping the peace in the family. She said (and this was true) it was so that we could make our own decisions about whether or not we wanted those family members in our lives, without her burning our bridges. But what I learned, and am slowly unlearning, is that you should keep the peace in the family AT ALL COSTS.

I’m also a big believer in complicity by silence. Er, not that you should do it, but that it happens all over. I’ve been working really hard not to be complicit by silence. To speak up if I hear someone being hassled or bullied, and to call people on it when I hear hateful or predjudiced language being spewed. But here’s the thing: at what point am I being complicit by silence vs just acknowledging that people have their own beliefs?

And here’s the other thing: is it even good for me? I think it’s good for society for people to speak up. But I did speak up yesterday, and I didn’t sleep last night. I was in a state of high anxiety most of today, thinking about her possible responses and my possible responses and whether or not I was going to catch flack at Christmas, where I’ll see her, and so on. (As it turned out, she didn’t respond at all.)

BTW, my response was: “You know… I just don’t think the downfall of civilization is caused by my loving and possibly marrying my girlfriend. That action would, however, stabilize and give more support to her two kids’ lives, which seems to be what Benedict wants, anyway.”

So… I guess I’m actually here asking for opinions. When do you speak up? When would you like to see people speak up, in an ideal situation? When “should” comments slide? I’m still not sure if I did the right thing or not. I can’t say I did the wrong thing, but I can’t say I did the right one, either. It doesn’t help that this is family, so there’s learned and familial issues there, anyway. But at least if I had a better understanding, I might feel more confident about saying something vs keeping quiet.

At least I have realized one thing for sure: I no longer have qualms about inviting some of my cousins and not other cousins/aunts and uncles who aren’t supportive of gay marriage, should I ever get married. And I’m finally realizing that if that creates family rifts… I’m okay with that. I’m not even doing it because I feel angry at them, which I expected. It’s more like, “Well, why would I invite them? They would be there out of obligation, not because they were happy for me. I want to share it with the people who would be happy for me. And if they’re angry because I didn’t count them admist those numbers, I’m sorry for that, but I don’t think I’m wrong. And if they are happy for me, and are sad they didn’t get to share, then I’ll apologize and we’ll bond. Or we won’t.”

It’s kind of freeing.

J



{June 5, 2012}   Link spam!

Some fun stuff I’ve been finding.

First! Jason Alexander, y’know the comedian, did something stupid. In a comedy bit, he said cricket was gay and then pantomimed effeminate stuff, thereby offending homosexual folks as well as queer and straight genderbenders AND feminists.

But mostly the gays people.

They called him on it. He pooh-poohed them. More people called him on it… so he actually sat down and thought about it. Then he wrote up this apology, which might be the best apology I’ve ever read, in large part because it means he actually THOUGHT ABOUT IT and is willing to learn and grow. YAY!

Also, a friend linked me to this as well: Fuck Yeah, Hard Femme An extremely awesome Tumblr account with — you guessed it — hard femmes.

Which has made me think about the definition of femme some more. I somehow doubt I’ll ever find a definition that I can accept. And each time I look, I start wondering about the whole genderqueering definition again.

More on that later.

J



{October 7, 2011}   Cross posted to my other blog!

Y’know. The one about my whole life. 😀

My sister got married! For more hilarious stories on how awesome that was, click above. For the gay bits, read on!

For me, the best part of the wedding was the pressure to get married. Crazy, right? Who likes that, after all? It’s definitely not something most single people look forward to when they go to a wedding, but for me it’s a sign that my extended family is getting over the fact that I’m dating another woman, and they’re treating me like they would any straight niece or cousin. It was AWESOME.

Q didn’t show up until Friday night (the wedding was Saturday, and I was there by Tuesday.) Mark and Cathy — my favorite aunt and uncle — were there before I got there.

Things have been a touch strained with Mark since I started dating women. I knew they would be, but hoped that, like so many other things, he’d do the flip he does sometimes and end up in my camp. Usually, once something becomes personal to him, it’s not so bad! For instance, despite being rabidly right-wing, he’s pro-choice. My mom used us girls as an example one day, and he changed his mind completely on his pro-life stance. Things like that.

But religion is a strong factor, and he’s conservatively Lutheran. His wife, Cathy, has a gay sister — which hasn’t actually helped my cause, because her heart’s been broken by women. Never mind that everyone has their heart broken, Mark just sees this as proof that it’s not good to be gay.

Now, note that he’s never been anything but nice to me about it. It’s not what he says, but what he doesn’t say: he doesn’t ask how my love life or my girlfriends are, or if I’m dating, or anything else like that. He’s always kind to the people I bring home (all two of them, yes, shuddup), and he never says anything bad. Cathy told me once that he’s just worried for me, because being gay is a harder path in our society than being straight, and he just needs time. That’s okay, but I’ve still sort of been… waiting.

Anyway, Friday night was the rehearsal dinner, and Quin flew in right after it. I was talking about her — all week I kept trying NOT to talk about her, because it seemed like every other line out of my mouth had to do about her — and Uncle Mark was tipsy. He told me in that solemn-tipsy way that he really liked Q, because anyone who could make me that happy was good people. He (and my Aunt Cathy, at separate times) then proceeded to ask me if we were getting married, and if and when we got married could he play? (He played at Chelsea’s wedding, as she was walking down the aisle.)

I was totally touched. When Q got there, he was thrilled to see her. She danced with my Aunt Cathy at the reception, and Mark gave her a nickname: Rug Cutter. He even did his fist-bump with her; both are signs of high approval! And we were invited by both of them — again, separately — to come visit this spring. YAY! Everything very nicely fell into place, inside me. It was awesome. 😀

Hilariously, despite KNOWING who Q was (in part because I was introducing her as my girlfriend), another cousin (sort of — my second cousin once removed) said it was nice meeting my friend. *amused* That didn’t bother me: I was really only worried about my Uncle Mark, and the rest I know how they’ll react. It IS nice that everyone, even the people who strongly disagree and fear for my soul, are being sweet. (My aunts weren’t always nice to my mom, and she wasn’t even gay!) Mac was kind enough to sit Q with people who’d like Q and she’d like them, so I had no worries there! (My bff, Danny, was at that table too. Mac told me at one point, “Yeah, I sat Q and Danny together. Then I realized that the only other gay person at the wedding was also at that table, and I thought, ‘What is this?! The gay table?!’ So I switched him.” I nearly died laughing.) One of my favorite cousins even came over and introduced herself to Quin while I was off doing something, but that wasn’t a surprise: I knew she’d be fine with everything. 🙂 For all that I’m generally sure my aunts and uncles won’t approve but will at least be polite, I’m equally sure my cousins will be awesome!

Also, speaking of homophobia and weddings, check this out! I can marry either of my cousins Chasen or Taylor (my two unmarried male cousins), but I can’t marry another girl. So, so wrong.

Ugh, so annoying. Here, have this much more entertaining wedding picture. This was one of the weddings I went to this summer, where I was the bearer of the ring bearer. 😉

Ha! I love that picture.

J



{October 5, 2011}   Too tired for sex.

I just have a little bit of time (which is to say I should have gone to bed already), but I had something on my mind. It’s been on my mind for a while, and I don’t think it’s anything important, really, but writing stuff down helps me look at it differently.

Anyway, it’s about my sex life! When Q and I first started dating, we humped like bunnies. All the time! For large blocks of time! A part of me was a little distressed at the large blocks of time, actually, because it was ALWAYS a large block of time and sometimes I didn’t have two and a half hours to dedicate, you know? But anyway, I’m digressing.

A while back — maybe 8 months ago? — Q was talking about her distress because we weren’t humping like bunnies so often anymore. I actually tracked it for a few weeks, just in my head, and came to the conclusion that we weren’t really having sex much less than before, and that we’d each realized the other wasn’t going to bail soon, so we didn’t have to have lots of sex out of fear it’d go away. (At least that was the case on my end!)

Since then Q stopped worrying about it, but I’ve started thinking about it. I think the big thing is that we’re both busier and more tired these days (which in turn makes me wonder — IS that the case? If so, why? What are we doing different? …I’m working a lot more, actually…), and we’re not doing crazy drives to see each other even if it’s only for an hour; we’re subconsciously hitting a maintenance schedule that we can keep up indefinitely. Which is a good thing! But I do miss having sex more often. Or… I think I SHOULD miss it, or I miss wanting it so badly. The thing is, I really am too tired most of the time to start something myself. And I don’t feel unsatisfied, I feel more like, in a perfect world, we’d be rested enough to have it more often. But I’m not rested, and my desire for it is more like a desire to have a desire for it, if that makes sense.

Just a few weeks ago I noticed that Q has been very wonderful and listened to me very well, so unless I’m totally frisky she doesn’t pounce me so often (as opposed to gently seducing me or anything else that doesn’t involve physically hauling me around). Which made me laugh, when I realized that her pouncing me is a total turn on, so even if I’m not frisky I’ll often become frisky. Pretty funny, how good communication worked against me, there! (Also, she’s extra tired too, lately, so she’s not in much of a pouncing mood. I can’t blame her — I wouldn’t be, either!)

Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m actually quite happy with our sex life, even at its slightly diminished state. We’re still like “normal” people, impressive since we live an hour apart. I think I worry sometimes that it’ll keep diminishing, though, even though when I stop and think about it I don’t believe that’s the case. Still, the concern lurks in my head. And because Q was worried about it months ago, I worry that she’s still worried! Ah, the inner life of a secret co-dependent-trying-not-to-be-co-dependent…

Anyway. These thoughts and feelings have been buzzing inside me. I would like more sex in an abstract way, but when I think about having more sex I’m like, “Whoa, no, way too tired to put forth that effort.” I’d really like more sleep. Then I could have more sex.

The good news is that we’ve finally gotten pretty good at having half hour sex, so we can have it when neither of us have energy for hour-and-more sessions. That makes me happy. 🙂 Also, then we can have more of it, because I have more free half hours in my day than hour and a halves… Semi-quickies are a good thing!

In other news, my baby sister got married! And my uncle, my favorite uncle who’s been fighting his homophobia for me, says he looooooves Q because anyone who makes me that happy is awesome, and he’s pushing me to marry her. I never thought I’d be happy to get marriage pressure from my family, but there you have it. It’s like his subconscious has realized it’s okay, so now he’s adding pressure. A funny sort of won battle, hmm? 😉

J



{September 10, 2011}   I kissed a girl, too!

You know that song by Katy Perry, “I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It”? Well, I remember when it came out — hadn’t quite come out more than to kinda sorta mentioned I might maybe be bi — and seriously, I was so terrified of the ridicule it received.

First off, I really liked the song. I still do! But second off, there was this idea (among lesbians, I should clarify, or at least the lesbians I knew) that to experiment like that was Wrong. That it was Terrible and Offensive to kiss a girl and like it. That the character in the song was just Faking It and making light of lesbianism.

I was terrified of being that girl. That was one of the biggest reasons it took me SO LONG to come out, because without experimenting I couldn’t be sure, but I didn’t want to be the girl who said she was bi and experimented and realized it wasn’t for her. I was scared shitless of being a poser! (The other reason it took me so long to come out was a lack of butch people around. I think I’d have figured it out earlier if I’d seen some hot butches earlier!)

I love that song now more than ever. Maybe the character in the song was just doing it for attention. (Though I’d have to argue that her boyfriend doesn’t seem to be present… so it’s not his attention she’s trying to get, and presumably if she has a boyfriend she’s not looking for another.) Maybe the character in the song kisses that one girl, likes it, goes back to her boyfriend and never crosses that line again. Maybe that girl kisses a girl, likes it, goes home and dumps her boyfriend and realizes she’s lesbian. It’s all good! What’s actually happening in the song, after all?

Experimentation.

Except for a lucky, and precious, few we all have to experiment to figure out what we like and don’t like. We all have to try things on before we know what fits. That song told me it was okay to try things on, and I love it. It makes me sad when I hear people bash it as a girl getting attention — which is what I hear most of the time. I don’t think she is. I think she’s learning about herself!

Thinking about it a little more, I also wonder about the homophobic reactions to the song. I mean, if people are angry at hearing the song because she kissed a girl and liked it, how much of that is just being disturbed at the gayness of it? Hmmm.

I remember there being massive feminist reactions, too, that she was only kissing girls to get the boys attention. While I do know girls who do that, the fact that the feminist section of my friends assumed only that was kind of hurtful. What, she couldn’t be experimenting? Apparently not. She could only be doing it for men. Yeesh, what a thing to say.

Hmm, now I’m not sure how to wrap this up. Look! Ponies!

JB



{May 14, 2010}   Argumentative shut-downs

So. I’ve been reading blogs and comments pages and things, and something I’ve noticed is how, somehow, argumentative shut-downs seem to work. Now, that’s the point of an argumentative shut-down: to shut down the conversation. To shut the other person up. They’re used when a topic is uncomfortable to the person in societal privilege. So, for instance, it’s used by men toward women.  By white people toward people of color. By straight people to gay people. By gay people to trans* people. By gender normative people to gender queer people. By able-bodied people to disabled people, by young people to old people, by pretty people to ugly people, by skinny people to heavy people, and so on FOREVER.

Recently, I learned a lot about argument shut-downs because I had a friend involved in Race!Fail, and she, lovely person that she is, taught us about racist arguments and attitudes and things, and BOY DID I LEARN A LOT. Including things about privilege and how to spot when someone is using a shut-down. Which I have seen frequently in the butch-femme blogs of late.

I was going to post a handy-dandy list of how to spot a shut-down, but instead I’m going to provide you with an awesome link:

DERAILING FOR DUMMIES

Everyone should go read it! Not only does it get the point across, it’s also hilarious. That said, I’m still going to talk about the shut-downs I’ve seen most often. (I’m not nearly as funny as the Derailing for Dummies guy, though.)

1. The Tone Argument.

We all know it. It goes something like this: “I am not responding to the rest of your patronizing comment. You clearly do not engage with respect.” Is this true? Absolutely, could be. But mostly, it’s a way to stop arguing, used by people in power. See, here’s the thing: if the person who holds the privileged viewpoint cannot be proven wrong, they are then right. Theirs is the privileged viewpoint. If they refuse to argue, they cannot be proven wrong — and so they win the argument. This is the tone argument, because they’re not refuting anything that the other person has said: they’re saying, “I don’t like that tone of voice, young lady. I’m not speaking to you anymore.” It’s condescending, belittling, and gets someone out of an argument they don’t like without having to actually think about whatever it is they’re uncomfortable with. Another example is one I actually wrote: “[…] when people aren’t used to reading things in capitals it doesn’t come across as emphasis but rather as screaming, attacking, and/or condescension.” While I wasn’t stopping the argument there (and therefore it’s not really the tone argument), I was suggesting the tone might be modified. I’m pointing this out so you can practice noticing! If you see something like this when someone IS stopping the argument, it’s the tone argument.

2. Why Should We Talk About Your Pain? I’m Privileged: Let’s Talk About Mine!

The most easily identifiable form of this argument is actually a sexist one. Imagine, for a moment, you’re a woman standing in a group talking about the problems with women being raped. Someone walks up and says, “But men get raped, too!” This has COMPLETELY derailed the conversation. Is it true? Yes! But it’s not the topic. What it’s done is shift the topic from something that makes the privileged class — men — uncomfortable, and back onto discussing the privileged class — men. Another example is if a butch were discussing whether or not other butches considered a dildo a sex toy. If someone were to come in at this point and discuss whether or not he was comfortable with anyone but a biomale using the term cock, and how it upset him, this is a derailment. It’s taking a conversation by those who do not have privilege, and turning it back to focus once more on the privileged gender. It says, in short, “I know this is your safe space, but I dislike that the focus is not on privilege, that it threatens privilege by not deferring to it right now, and so I am going to insist that your safe space still acknowledge that my privilege is more important.” Is it totally understandable for someone to dislike that cock is no longer a male-only term? Absolutely. This is just not the time or place to be talking about that. In fact, since most conversations center around how gender normal people feel, interrupting a conversation among gender queer people to talk again about gender normal people is never okay, unless it’s invited.

Let’s have another one, shall we?

3. The I’m Not Talking About You Personally Argument.

Imagine, for a moment, I went to my friend Maelie‘s blog. She’s an AWESOME webcomic artist (free pimping! Check out tentative.net for her comics! SciFi, Fantasy, and one about a girl who runs away from the circus, ohyes). Now imagine I hung around there, reading about how much she likes webcomics, commenting on this, that, and the other thing. Then one day I get in a discussion with someone else in her comments, and in this discussion I say, “In fact, I think it’s Wrong to draw webcomics. I think that’s a sign of deep disrespect for yourself.” If Maelie were upset about this, would she have every right to be? HELL YES. I’ve just gone into her home and insulted her way of living. However, people who use this argument follow it up with something along the lines of, “I didn’t mean you personally, Maelie. I wasn’t trying to disrespect you.” Whether or not I was trying to disrespect her, it is extremely rude. In fact, it is a violation of her safe space, the same way it would be a violation to walk into her house and attack her emotionally in some way. “But I didn’t mean you personally!” This does not make it any better. If I say, “I hate black people,” to my black friend, and then say, “But I don’t mean you,” that does not make it okay. Furthermore, it takes a safe space — a space where people feel free to talk about webcomics — and makes it unsafe.

This brings us to two more arguments!

3. Intention Argument.

“My intention wasn’t to hurt you!” “My intention wasn’t to disrespect you!” Since no one can tell what someone’s intention is, since none of us are mind readers, intention really doesn’t matter. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” This doesn’t really matter. Between friends, sure, it can make a difference. But it is NOT an excuse. Plus, if someone has just pulled a, “I hate webcomics” in a webcomics space, half a second’s worth of thought would have told them that it would hurt people, no matter what their intention was. If they say, “I don’t think butches should use ‘he’, I think it is bad and disrespectful” in a femme-butch community, it doesn’t matter if the intention is to hurt butches: it’s obvious that statement is going to hurt someone, and therefore disrespectful in the extreme to say it.

4. But This Is A Public Space!

The argument has been made that if you put something on your personal blog, it is then in public space. Like a lot of these kinds of arguments, while it is true in technicality, it isn’t true in the unspoken social codes. If someone says this, they are generally arguing to be allowed to beat you up. After all, you put it in a public space. This is bullshit. This is, in fact, a blaming-the-victim argument. I do not ask to be raped by wearing a short skirt, nor do I ask to be verbally brutalized by putting things online. In fact, a personal blog is more than anything a safe space, and should be treated accordingly. Any time you go into anyone’s community, you should act accordingly — and if you should act accordingly, then if someone comes into your community, they should act accordingly!

5. Insults

These are most effective when they are not completely insulting, when they can tread the line so the author can say, “Oh, I was just kidding!” Example: “you’re being a hall monitor. Again.” This shuts down the conversation, and if it doesn’t work right off the bat, they can continue by saying something like, “I don’t like your tone. I was only kidding, but now you’re yelling at me!” when the person gets offended! In fact, this particular quote is extra insulting. The ‘again’ implies ‘you’ are always a hall monitor, as well as adding a great level of condescension; the implication being that the speaker has had to tell you before, because the speaker is obviously in charge of who gets to be the hall monitor, and furthermore that the speaker doesn’t appreciate having to remind you of your manners — like an adult to a child.

6. Shutting Someone Out.

This is most simply done when you tell someone they must be silent for the conversation. There’s a brilliant quote, in fact: “I wasn’t talking to you personally or asking you personally to explain yourself. It was a general question.” So, in effect — anyone can answer it, except you.

I couldn’t make this shit up.

7. You Are Only Saying That Because Society Has Taught You That And You Don’t Know It!

As a femme, I get this sadly frequently (usually spoken so I can’t quote anything, dammit. It’s so much more fulfilling when I can quote something. ;-D). For instance, “You only like butch women because society has taught you to like masculinity.” And when I counter with, “No, actually, I like butch women because I like butch women,” the response is, “You just don’t know you’re repressed by the patriarchy.” (This is also something I get for liking girly clothes, painted nails, and something my sister gets for enjoying cooking and domesticity.) It’s impossible to argue with someone who insists that your every motive is due to being repressed, only you can’t tell. This also takes away any ability of someone to claim they know themselves, it says the privileged person knows them better and knows what’s better for them, and infantilises them. (It drives me CRAZY.)

There’s a really simple rule of thumb I learned when I was embroiled in the Prop 8 arguments: re-phrase it to something ridiculous (webcomics) or something hot-button (racism). Is it patently ludicrous/offensive? Then you’re in the right to haul someone up by their short and curlies and tell them to knock it off. Now, some people enjoy the debate and hearing other viewpoints even when it includes this sort of thing, and I try my very best not to step into those blogs if the blogger hasn’t expressed displeasure. (It’s also sometimes hard to see in your own blog, as in a discussion that went bad here and I let go on too long.) I’m just… not one of them. 😉

J



{May 1, 2010}   Post of topic-leaping

Okay, so a friend of mine posted this video, and because I think it is the funniest shit ever, I’m posting it everywhere. You can get more information on it, or you can just know that a troop in Afganistan got bored and made a video for Lady Gaga’s song, Telephone (that’s the work safe version, btw).

People! I get it now! This is why gays aren’t allowed in the military. If straight men turn this fabulous, gay men would tear the place apart. (This should totally be a recruitment video, btw. Join the Army! It’s like Glee, but far more entertaining!)

I was also thinking about the movie, Kissing Jessica Stein, (why didn’t any of you warn me it was terrible? I’m so disappointed in you. Don’t try and tell me you didn’t say anything because it came out almost a decade ago. That’s no excuse.) and I decided that it’s really even more insulting to straight women than lesbians. You know the biggest thing I remembered from the movie? The very last bit, when they have lesbian bed death, Jessica goes back to the boy, and the other girl gets to roll around having hot sex in red satin sheets. What do I learn from that?

1. Lesbians get to have decadent hot sex in red satin sheets. YAY! GO, US!

2. Straight girls shouldn’t try to be gay. They also cause lesbian bed death. Oh yeah, and apparently have no sex drive.

Right.

Now, onto a Very Important Topic: FLOWERS! As in, I had a PSMy day, and I bought myself some flowers. They’re bright and cheerful, and they’re now sitting in a vase. Yay!

Butches, take note: flowers are always good. Actually, maybe everyone should take note. You know what flowers say, when your loved one is having a bad day? They say one of two things:

1. I know you’re having a bad day, and I want you to feel better, and I know you enjoy bright cheerful flowers so I went and got you some!

or,

2. I know you’re having a bad day, and I want you to feel better, but I couldn’t afford the Harley that would really make you feel better, and you have so many colonges already that I wasn’t sure if I could find a decent one, so I got you flowers! I hope you understand the intent. Let’s go have sex. (That last part should only be applied if you are actually in a sexual relationship with the person.)

So, yes, flowers. Good for all occasions! And they don’t even have to be expensive! That’s what grocery stores and Trader Joe’s are for! Sure, they’ll probably wilt by morning, but they were pretty that night. YAY!

In still other news, my friend DoctorLady stopped seeing a guy who was a homophobe (you can read about that discussion in her blog — I nearly burst something laughing) and I have an evil sort of “mwahahaha” feeling at being the person she referred to. See, she asked me several days ago if I would mind if she mentioned me and Q to see how he reacted, and I said, “Go for it! :DDD” (Yes, with that amount of smiling. What can I say? I kind of like being a shit disturber.), so she did, and he had a bad reaction, and they’re no longer dating. I’m sorry she didn’t find an awesome guy, but I have a bizarre sort of pride at being the tool to find out about his unawesomeness. Go figure.

In still OTHER news, DK sent me this kick ass study on femme as a gender! I swear, that study could have been written about me! I have so much to say about it that I’ve been trying to figure out the best way of starting. I think I might just have to go through the study bit by bit, and have a lot of blog posts about all the things they talk about. 😀 Anyway, suffice to say my femme experience is very common, and I’ll tell you all more later. 😀

In the final bit of vaguely-femme news, I was talking to my mom today about all the blogging I’ve been doing, and how it’s been helping me work through some issues. She asked what issues? So I kind of went, “Well, stress, sex, identity stuff — like whether I’m bi or lesbian — that sort of thing.” To which she made one of those “labels don’t matter,” comments. Our discussion went something like this:

Mom: Why does it matter? Whatever label you choose, you’re still you on the inside.

Me: Yeah, but it matters. It changes perceptions–

Mom: Ah, so you’re worried about how other people see you.

(Note: This is A Bad Thing in our household. You should be strong enough it doesn’t matter what other people think about you! While I do agree to a certain extent, I’m trying not to kill myself over it.)

Me: …yeeeaaah, and it changes my perception of myself.

Mom: So you’re letting other people dictate your perception of yourself? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change you.

At this point I began ranting about community and the way you get treated and the pros and cons of bi vs lesbian and so on and so forth, and throughout the whole thing I could hear her voice in my head going, “You’re letting other people dictate your actions. This is weak. It shouldn’t matter. Everything you’ve said is a co-dependent action, trying to curry favor from society.” None of which is true, but I kept hearing it because that’s my mom’s kick. By the end of my rant she sort of made agreement noises, but they sounded more like, “I’ll agree with you to get you to stop ranting, geez,” than, “I understand, even if all I understand is that this matters to you.” *sighs* So that hasn’t helped with the bugged, PMSy feeling all day. 😦 (Though I did have a BRILLIANT moment, imo, when I compared identity stuff with her favorite thing, archetypes. Archetypes are patterns in our life, and if you know what pattern you have you know how to stop it from happening. I talk about how some butches — the ones I’m attracted to — have a knight archetype, for instance. I compared changing an identity label to getting the wrong archetype pattern. This is the point at which she was like, “Okay, okay,” so I’m hoping I’m wrong about the tone and she actually did get it.)

I love my mom, I really do, she’s an amazing person and she’s taught me a lot, but every so often I talk to her and all the old perfectionist, drive-yourself-to-death, do self-improvement all right, all the time tendencies resurface. Humph. I’m going home next weekend. Should be interesting.

In the same vein, she says Q sounds fascinating. *amused* I’m a little afraid. ;-D (They both have an in-charge, occasionally OCD streak. I can’t decide if they’d get along famously or kill each other flat. As Q and I aren’t so serious that a trip to the in-laws is in order, it’s not something I really have to worry about atm.)

Now! I’m off to watch TV and attempt to turn my brain off. Woo hoo!

J



et cetera