To The FemmeMobile! Away!

I have to tell you guys, it’s been a LONG time since I felt insecure about my appearance. Oh, sure, I have days where nothing looks right on or I feel fat or bloated, and there are parts of myself I often wish were different (I don’t care if that IS where my ovaries live, I wish that little belly pooch would be FLAT. I don’t really need ovaries, anyway. >.>) , but overall, I generally like my appearance and, furthermore, I know how to dress to, ahem, promote my assets.  (Which are my legs. HA HA, I know what you were thinking!)

I know how to dress to draw a gaze. A male gaze, that is. I know, logically, that the butch women I am trying to attract will like femme me — I don’t really want a butch woman that doesn’t like femme me! But I’ve been in a whirl the last few days, trying to decide what to wear to my date tonight.

Now, mind you, this is a little silly. She put up a personals ad for a FEMME. Ergo, I’ll be safe dressing as femmey as I like. And yet some part of me goes, “…But I don’t like that look, so I can’t imagine another woman liking that look. And most lesbians who manage to get dates seem not terribly girly. And, in fact, most lesbians don’t notice me or even treat me like a fake lesbian because I look girly*, and I want this butch lesbian to notice me, so maybe I should dress less femmey…”

So, insecurity.

Today I had a nap, which helped greatly. I remembered something my friend, K, said. It was: “present yourself as you are. You want whoever you are with to like YOU.” Which means even if I get all femmed up tonight and go out and turns out she DOESN’T like femme (which would be hard to imagine, since she asked for a femme…), at least I’ll know that it won’t work and I can stop pining. (There has been SUCH PINING.)

Also what helped was remembering DK‘s grin whenever I’d get all femmed up, and the conversations Nezu and DK had about hot femme women, and various other things like that. …I may also go read Ivan’s Hats Off to Beautiful Femmes. >.> (And if you’re femme, and you haven’t read it, YOU SHOULD GO READ IT. It will make you preen and slink.)

Now that I’ve hit my equlibrium again, all I have to worry about is the weather! Do I dare my extremely brilliant short (short short short INDECENTLY short) skirt, knowing it might be chilly? We’ll be inside… >.> Or do I wear some low cut jeans and a great, red spaghetti strap tank, to keep myself warmer?

Who’m I kidding? The skirt, the skirt! 😀 It makes my legs look eight miles long, and I can pair a pretty sweater with it for warmth. 🙂

Or possibly my dress of awesome. Ohhh, the choices…


*Actually, this is all in my head and/or on paper. I’ve read this attitude many times, and for a long while thought I couldn’t be bi, much less gay, because I looked girly. Even when I didn’t look girly, I didn’t look gay, either. But no one has treated me, personally, like this. Heck, I haven’t been around the gay scene long enough for it to happen, and I think I’ll decide right now that it never will. Or if it does, I’ll choose to re-frame it into something positive. Mwahaha!

et cetera